


Maybe This Time I'll Be Lucky

by catgrump



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Theatre, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Original Character(s), References to Cabaret (All Media Types), Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Tags will be expanded as other characters get more screentime, That's not fair, There's an Ishimondo subplot, but this is not their story so they don't get a tag sorry, i'm not gonna tag every single character whose name is in this fic, kaimaki background relationship, some angst and hurt/comfort will come in and hit you like a train
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catgrump/pseuds/catgrump
Summary: Maybe this time he'll stay...Hajime attends university as a Theatre Major and is stage managing this semester's production of the musical "Cabaret".  The professor directing the show keeps casting Nagito in shows Hajime works on, not realizing how distracting Nagito can be to Hajime.  But, maybe this time, Hajime will be able to separate himself from the production and be brave about his feelings.You do NOT need to know the musical "Cabaret" to enjoy this fic, but you will enjoy it more if you do!  I highly recommend finding a production of the 1998 revival.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 84
Kudos: 146





	1. Pre-Production

When Professor Obi scouted me for the semester's production of _Cabaret_ , I didn't think much of it. I'm a stage manager. It's what I'm studying. A job is a job, right? Working on shows is what I like to do, and what I want to do for a living. Obi even told me I could pick two assistant stage managers myself. I can create a top-notch team to make this musical a well-oiled machine. Kyoko was already chosen to be a lead SM for another show, so I chose the next obvious candidates— Maki and Mikan. Maki is disciplined and organized, and Mikan is great for cast morale; always making sure everyone is in good spirits and taking care of themselves. Kyoko was also grateful she got to have Kirumi and Mukuro on her production team. It's not like we have a shortage of talent in our department, anyway; any choice would be a good choice.

Obi picked out a team of students to design the show, as well. Our department believes in giving students as many opportunities to expand their resumes as possible. He made some good choices if I do say so myself. Mondo is designing the set with Angie assisting as the scenic artist; my best friend, Chiaki, is the lighting designer; Chihiro is the sound designer; Gundham is doing both costumes and makeup; Kazuichi is our props manager and designer; Kiyo is providing us with our history as the dramaturg; Sakura is our intimacy and fight choreographer; and Kiibo is designing projections for us. I don't have problems with any of them, so this should be a great production.

I had done my research— reading the script multiple times, listening to the soundtrack whenever I could, watching productions online so I could see any potential choices I'd need to prepare for— and about a week after auditions, Obi texted me to meet him in his office. "Can you put this up on the call board for me, Hajime?"

"Yeah sure."

I took the piece of paper from the top of one of the many piles on his desk, and he thanked me as I left for the Hangout Hallway. I could still smell the ink fresh from the printer.

Of course I read it. It says "CAST OF CABARET" in big bold letters at the top. Of course I'd want to know which of my friends I'd be working with.

 **CAST OF CABARET**  
Please initial next to your name to accept your role. Reminder that declining a role makes you ineligible for next semester's productions.

The Emcee... **Rantaro Amami**  
Sally Bowles... **Ayane Sugawara**  
Cliff Bradshaw... **Kiyotaka Ishimaru**  
Schultz... **Leon Kuwata**  
Ernst Ludwig... **Byakuya Togami**  
Kost/Fritzie... **Sonia Nevermind**  
Schneider... **Junko Enoshima**  
Rosie... **Tenko Chabashira**  
Lulu... **Sayaka Maizono**  
Frenchie... **Aoi Asahina**  
Texas... **Kaede Akamatsu**  
Helga... **Hiyoko Saionji**  
Bobby... **Nagito Komeada**  
Victor... **Makoto Naegi**  
Hans... **Kaito Momota**  
Herman... **Shuichi Saihara**

 _Damn, Junko's gonna be pissed_ , I thought, holding back laughter, _she isn't going to be one of the dancers AND she has to do age makeup_. Junko is a bit of a diva, but she's really good at what she does, so it was an obvious choice to cast her in such a heavy-hitting role, but she's not going to be happy about having to be romantic with Leon, or that she won't get to be sexy on stage.

Byakuya got type-cast as the villain AGAIN; damn, this guy can't catch a break. At least I know how to handle his bullshit.

Taka got his first lead! He's been comic relief for so long; I'm sure he's going to be excited.

And Nagito is in this one. Again. Obi keeps casting Nagito in shows I work on with him, not realizing how much of an issue it is. I pride myself on my professionalism, but it's really difficult to maintain when Nagito is in the rehearsal space. He can be... distracting. He's constantly trying to have my attention. And the worst part of it all? I enjoy it. I'm so torn between staying professional and giving in to my stupid crush.

Chiaki has provided countless solutions for me, "Just flirt back in class."

"Yeah we _definitely_ have the same classes cuz we're both on the same track," I would sarcastically retort. He's an actor and I'm, well, not. Our schedules are completely different.

"Ok well, what about in the Hangout Hallway?" She'd suggest

"That's like my only chance to do pre-rehearsal work in the Stage Managers' Office," I'd reply

"Then maybe you should just ask him out," She'd say, and I could tell she was getting frustrated

"Easier said than done!"

And then she'd sigh, "Well, that's all I've got."

Thinking about having Nagito in rehearsals with me once again makes my head swim with 'what if' scenarios. What if I actually got up the nerve to ask him out? What if Obi actually caught on to what Nagito was doing? What if that got Nagito in trouble? What if that got him fired? I shook my head, trying to banish the thoughts, bringing myself back to reality. I sighed and took my phone out of my pocket. I briefly stopped walking, took a photo of the list in front of me, and sent it in a group message to Maki and Mikan.

Maki has caught on pretty quickly. She's just observant like that. She's never afraid to call out the cast for acting up, and catches them doing stupid shit all the time. Everyone (mostly) is kind of afraid of her when rehearsals start. And I'm glad to have her firm hand beside me in productions. Someone needs to put their foot down, right?

I approached the door to the Hangout Hallway: the hallway behind the main auditorium that has backstage entrances, a stairway that leads under the stage, and access to the dressing rooms. This hallway is the central location for all the theatre classrooms on campus, so everyone hangs out here in between classes to kill time and see their friends. I took a deep breath and strengthened my grip on the piece of paper, but I was careful not to bend or crease it. I could see a cluster of folks already as I turned the corner... including him. His stupid mop of wavy hair was tied back, he had rolled the sleeves of his shirt above his elbows, and he was casually leaning back against the railing like he didn't have a care in the world. He was smiling as he talked with Sayaka and Rantaro. The smiling turned into laughter, and I felt like a candle's wax was dripping through my chest as I watched him. "Hey, Hajime," Junko's voice brought me out of my trance, "A little birdy told me you have the cast list?"

"Would that little birdy's name happen to be Mikan?" I asked

"How on Earth could you guess?" She replied with a sing-songy voice that can shatter glass

"Just a hunch," I did my best to move past her so I could pin the list to the bulletin board in peace, knowing full well it's because Mikan is a pushover and Junko is manipulative-- that's how I guessed.

In order to get to that bulletin board, though, I needed to walk through Nagito's conversation with Sayaka and Rantaro. _Just a simple path_ , I thought, _No need to make a big deal out of it_.

"Hajime, hey; whatcha got there?"

He never misses his cue. I can always tell when he's looking at me, too. I feel his eyes studying me like I'm the lines he has to memorize. "Oh, uh," my voice turned into a hush, "It's the cast list--"

"The cast list!?" Sayaka sat up from the plush bench she was eating a bagel on, stars in her eyes

I quickened my pace to avoid actors crowding around me to sneak peeks. As Sayaka cried out, every Acting Major in earshot began crawling out from every crevice to see if they had gotten a role. My body tense, I hastily grabbed an available thumbtack and pinned the list to a prime empty spot on the cork. I turned around to see my friends' faces staring back at me with judgemental and anxious eyes. "Geez, guys, give him some space," Rantaro laughed, having not left his spot

A couple of people listened, taking a few steps back to let me escape, but as soon as I got out of the mob, they closed back in. The actors created a blob around the bulletin board, leaning in to get closer looks, holding pens to initial next to their name-- anticipating their successful auditions. Shorter folks stood on their toes, and jumped to see over the actors who tower over them. The sight never gets old.

I shook my head and chuckled, making my way back to the Stage Managers' Office so I could breathe, and start to make rehearsal documents in peace.

* * *

I had been typing and staring at a computer screen for about an hour and a half now. I didn't have class again until this afternoon, so I was good to hole up in the office, listening to podcasts and making call-sheets and costume plots. Every so often I'd hear a commotion outside, and I'd quickly realize its cause once I started hearing the cries of 'congratulations'. Mikan stopped by at one point to apologize for telling Junko before the list was posted, and I let her know she's okay and that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Suddenly, there was a knock at my door. I glanced over my shoulder and dropped the pen I was holding. "Nagito, and uh, Rantaro, hey guys, what's up?" Why do I always get so stupid when he shows up unexpectedly?

"Rantaro and I were gonna grab lunch for a mini celebration," Nagito seemed to never stop smiling, "he did get a lead, after all."

"It's not that big of a deal," Rantaro tried to downplay his achievement, "But we were wondering if you wanted to come with us."

"Oh, uh, thanks guys, but I've got a lot of work to do," What am I doing?

"Come on, Hajime, you gotta eat," Nagito seemed to plead

"No, go on ahead, don't worry about me," Am I really THAT nervous to spend time with him?

"Alright, if you insist," Nagito shrugged

I waved goodbye as they left. They didn't close the door behind them, so I heard Rantaro say "Well, it was worth a shot" as they walked away.


	2. The First Rehearsal

"I made personalized info cards for everyone," Mikan told us as we walked down the hall, the sounds of the clicks of our heels on the tile and the jingling of my ring of keys accompanying us, "Do you think it's a bit much?"

Maki smiled and rolled her eyes, "I wouldn't expect anything less from you, to be honest."

A couple of weeks after the cast list came out, we all were finally going to come together to start working on this behemoth of a musical. After all the work Maki, Mikan, and I were doing to prepare let us know we had a challenge on our hands. The show not only has heavy themes, but costume changes for everyone, actors playing multiple characters, stage combat, stage intimacy, and countless props that needed to be period-appropriate— just to name a few of our upcoming struggles.

We turned the corner to unlock the rehearsal room for tonight, getting there first, as we should, to set up the space before the actors and production team members got there, but we were greeted by Taka sitting on a bench, reading a book with perfect ninety-degree posture.

"Hey, guys!" He brought his focus to us as he heard us approach

We all greeted him, unsurprised he was punctual— even more so than us. Rehearsals don't technically start for another hour. Mikan reminded him of that fact, and he replied, "Oh don't worry! I just follow the rule of 'if you're early, you're on time; if you're on time, you're late; and if you're late, you're screwed'. And besides, I don't want to make a poor first impression."

"Make a poor first impression?"

An unmistakable voice appeared behind us. My team and I turned around to see Mondo holding a paper takeout bag in one hand and a laptop in another. He continued, "it's not like you don't know all these people already, man."

He sat on the bench next to Taka, placing the laptop down beside him, and removing wrapped-up food from the bag, handing a burrito bowl to Taka. "Well, maybe I just enjoy punctuality," Taka defended himself as he put his book into the backpack in front of him, and took out his phone, "Thanks, bro; how much do I owe you?"

"Nothing; I got it," Mondo replied, taking a plastic fork out of the bag and handing it to him, "I wanted to buy the star of the show dinner."

"Mondo, don't talk like that! Everyone in the cast has a vital role in the production!" Taka genuinely seemed a little offended, but he still had a smile on his face as he took the fork from Mondo

"I'm serious, man; I got you," Mondo insisted

Maki nudged my arm, and when I looked over to her, she nodded her head toward the rehearsal room door. "Right," I said, "We're gonna go set up; see you guys in a few."

Mondo and Taka said their farewells between bites of food, and I unlocked the door to the classroom and turned on the lights.

Mikan immediately placed her things down and went to an end of a folding table to move it toward the center of the room. "Could someone please give me a hand?"

"Yeah no problem," I followed her to the other end of the table, and grabbed hold of it, guiding it to its new position with Mikan.

Meanwhile, Maki was still standing near the door, looking outside through its window. "You, uh, getting distracted already, Maki?" I joked

She laughed, "Sorry, they're just so funny to me," she moved toward the stack of plastic chairs and started taking some down.

"Why's that?" I asked, following Mikan to another folding table

"They're so into each other, but they aren't dating," Maki replied, matter-of-factly

I laughed, "What? Really?"

Maki had multiple plastic chairs under her arms, carrying them with no problems at all. "How can you not see it?" She asked

Mikan chimed in, "I don't really pay attention to that stuff."

"I think it's incredibly obvious," Maki defended

Once we set up the tables to form a 'circle', and set down enough chairs for everyone— cast and production team— Mikan divided her pile of info cards out among the three of us. "We should try to seat the production team together, and put characters who interact a lot next to each other," I instructed, Maki and Mikan nodding their heads in agreement

My pile began with my team's cards, so I moved to a corner so we could sit out of the way, and had both of my ASMs flanking me on either side. It was quiet while we worked, so soft noises were suddenly amplified. Taka and Mondo laughing in the hall was distinct. So was Maki chuckling under her breath. "Something funny, Maki?" I asked as I put Sakura's card down next to Professor Ito— the dance choreographer

"Don't worry about it," was all she said. She didn't even look back up at me; she just quickly moved on to the next card in her pile.

"Ayane should sit between Taka and Rantaro, right?" Mikan asked

"Yeah, and maybe put Byakuya on the other side of Taka?" I suggested

"Good idea!" Mikan chirped, rearranging a few cards next to Maki

She continued speaking to herself as she set everyone up. It was pretty adorable. "Leon can sit next to Byakuya and then Junko can sit next to Leon and Sonia can sit next to Junko," and then she spoke louder again, "Should Sonia sit next to Junko or should she sit on the other side with the other Cabaret Girls?"

"It doesn't matter _that_ much," Maki replied, a little sternly, "If you have her card over there, you don't have to bother bringing it all the way to the other side."

"You're right; I'm sorry!"

"No, it's alright, I didn't mean to upset you," Maki was always sure to be a bit more gentle with Mikan. She's fragile.

"The only thing I'd worry about with that arrangement is Junko, honestly," I added

"If she's going to have a bad attitude all night, that's her problem," Maki dismissed it

She's right. We only have to step in if Junko's behavior starts causing problems, not if we are anticipating problems, or if she's just going to be mopey and pouty.

We finished setting up in about twenty minutes, so we sat in our chairs and brought our devices out. Our tablets and laptops are precious artifacts that will help everything remain under control. I opened my tablet's notes app, and opened up my physical copy of the script. "Maki, Mikan, can you guys handle writing down stuff for the rehearsal report? If you both take notes and compare afterward, we won't miss anything."

They both agreed and took out their separate rehearsal report forms as we heard more chatter in the hallway. Seems like more people are early.

* * *

The talking outside grew louder and louder the longer we waited in the room. "They know they can come in, right?" I asked

"I don't think they know that," Maki replied

There were only fifteen minutes until the rehearsal was supposed to start, and the three of us were still the only ones in the room. "Do you think they're waiting for Professor Obi?" Mikan asked, timidly

"Maybe," Maki offered, "But he's always either right on time or a couple of minutes late to everything."

That's true; Professor Obi is one of the more laid-back professors in the department. He's been late to his own classes many times before. But no one really cares, because he's just really relaxed, and is actually honest to the point of being fun.

"You guys talking shit behind my back?"

Speak of the devil. He strode into the classroom, slinging his messenger bag over the shoulder of his loosely fit corduroy blazer. "Oh, we'd NEVER," I sarcastically retorted

"Damn, I was hoping to know the gossip about me," Obi joked back as he scanned the table for his place

"Oh, don't worry; if I ever hear any juicy rumors about you, I'll tell you straight away," Ayane strutted in after Obi, her pink stilettos clacking on the wooden floor to a beat. How she manages to wear high heels to class every day astounds me.

"Would you really?" Byakuya scoffed with a smile as he followed close behind her

"Of course I would! I wouldn't want him to be in the dark."

Obi laughed, "I knew I could count on you, Ayane; that's why you're here."

"Oh you cast me so I could dish the goss? Perfect; just what I hoped," she continued to jest as she smoothed out her skirt to sit in her assigned seat, Byakuya squeezing her shoulder before sitting with an empty chair between them

Leave it to those two to be the driving force that floods the rest of the cast and crew into the room. As Ayane nonchalantly joked around with the professor who cast her, the students who were waiting in the hallway entered the room as if they were a river shattering a dam. I watched as they all settled in, finding their spots. Junko couldn't hold back a scowl as she gingerly sat down between Sonia and Leon. Sonia didn't seem to notice anything weird, but Leon instantly felt the tension and rolled his eyes as he pressed his cheek into his hand, propped on the table by his elbow. Taka was grinning ear to ear with Ayane and Byakuya sat between him, all three of them conversing. Chihiro leaned their head in toward Mondo's computer as he showed them a virtual model of a set design, and they showed him a few functions in the program to make his life easier. I felt a chin resting on top of my head. "Hey Hajime," luckily it was Chiaki's voice.

"What's up?"

"Wanna hang out after this?"

"Yeah sure," I didn't really have anything planned other than homework, but it's not like I can't get that done while Chiaki's around.

"Cool."

And her chin left my head and she sat on the other side of Mondo. I focused my attention back on the papers in front of me, and made a realization. We didn't make a sign-in sheet. Quickly, I took out a blank piece of printer paper and scrawled "Sign In" at the top, and put today's date underneath, then signed my own name. "Maki, could you pass this around?"

She nodded silently and did as I asked, signing her name under me, handing the paper to Mikan so she could sign in, and then passing it to Sakura, who sat next to her.

I sighed, looking around to see if any seats were empty. There were a few folks still standing around, but based on my count, it looks like everyone's here. I looked up at the clock: only a few minutes until we're supposed to start. And then I happened to just look straight ahead. Nagito was sitting directly across from me, his chin resting in his hands with a distracted smile. He quickly turned his head toward Makoto— who was next to him— and the other Cabaret Boys, as if wanted to avoid looking at me. His cheeks were rosy as he attempted to catch up to whatever the three other guys were talking about. I scratched my head and brushed through my hair, thoughts drifting in and out of my brain.

A loud clap echoed in the room, and our attention shifted to Obi. "Alright, people; I think it's about time we get started."

Everyone settled into their seats and those who hadn't already taken out their scripts, or their computers or tablets. Obi welcomed everyone to the first official rehearsal and explained how the evening would go. We were all going to see what the designers currently have in store, discuss the general vision for the show, and then read through the script together for the first time, listening to the soundtrack when we came upon a song. For the cast, this is easy enough. For me and my team... lots of note-taking. It's part of the job.

We began by going around the circle, introducing ourselves and our role in the production. When it got to me, "Hey, I'm Hajime and I'm your Stage Manager," I felt his eyes slowly piercing through me, but it wasn't painful or sharp. Nagito was looking at me the way you press a finger through clay.

And I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I quickly checked it.

I rested my elbows on the table and pressed my palms into my cheeks, feeling the heat. She was right. I had to focus on literally anything else. My leg bounced under the table as I looked for who was speaking next, and followed the faces as we went around the circle.

Next, all the designers were going to talk about what they had planned for the show. Mondo went first, showing off an elaborate two-story set actors can ascend and descend with a grand curved staircase on one side and a spiral staircase on the other. There were countless lightbulbs decorating the entire structure, including a giant sign that read "KABARET", all in bulbs, making Chiaki clap with glee. The actors could enter the space onstage through three doors that lived under the second floor. The second floor would also be large enough for the live band and multiple actors. Mondo also let Kiibo know that his space for projections would be right on the front wall with the doors.

Chiaki talked about color theory and how the lights would work in the 'fantasy world' of the nightclub versus the real world the characters inhabited; Chihiro said they were looking forward to hearing the read-through to get a better idea of which sounds would be needed when, Kazuichi simply said "just lemme know what you need and I'll make it. Oh and I'm definitely making that Kabaret sign. You guys are gonna love it."

And then it was Gundham's turn. Before he even showed off any of his designs, he made a disclaimer, "Now, I want everyone to understand that these are just preliminary ideas. I will be meeting with each actor who dances in the Kit Kat Club to privately discuss what you are and are not comfortable wearing," his voice was calm and soothing, and I saw many of the Kit Kat Boys sigh in relief, "The last thing we want is for anyone to not feel comfortable in roles where they are supposed to be confident and alluring."

He flipped through a slideshow on his tablet of costume sketches for the leads first. Simple suits for the men— historically accurate to the 1920s, of course— and more detailed ensembles for the women, like Sally's fur coat and Fraulein Kost's multiple silk robes. Then, he got to the Kit Kat Club ensemble. He had multiple designs for the Emcee, as well as multiple inspiration images for the dancers. Lingerie, garters, high socks, corsets, gloves, bow ties, open vests... these were all options for everyone. Gender didn't play a part. The cast got rowdy the more they saw; some were excited and others were trying to hide being flustered. As I looked them over, I saw Junko continuing to pout, Sonia grinning ear to ear, and then my eyes found Nagito whispering something into Rantaro's ear. I obviously couldn't catch what they were saying, but they laughed as Nagito pulled away, and then they looked at me. Nagito's eyebrows bounced up and down as he made eye contact, and I pursed my lips and shot my gaze to the table in front of me. I peered back up, and saw Rantaro smack Nagito's arm playfully, the two of them laughing some more. _What the hell was that?_

* * *

I sat through our read-through rather undisturbed, excluding a few moments. I quickly found a coping mechanism, though. It isn't exactly a healthy coping mechanism, but it was the best I could do, given the circumstances. Watching Nagito sing, for one thing, always brings the butterflies back to my stomach. Whenever a song would happen during the read-through, everyone did their best to sing along, understanding they'd learn the nitty-gritty of harmonies and pronouncing German later on. Nagito always seemed at ease when he sang, and I started drumming my fingers on my thigh under the table as I watched. My fingernails pressed into the fabric of my pants as I wrote down an intimacy choreography note in the script: Nagito & Taka. Nagito's character shared a kiss with Taka's. Cool cool cool an openly gay kiss super cool and not going to effect me in any way: AWESOME. I'm also definitely going to have to get used to hearing Nagito deliver "It's Berlin. Let yourself go," if he's going to sound that suave every time.

"You really need to do something about this," Chiaki said between bites of popcorn as we sat on her bed, listening to the sounds of students walking through the campus at night through her open window

"We've been over this twenty times—"

"Oh, you're keeping track?"

I tossed a kernel at her, "Shut up; you know what I mean."

"The worst he can say is 'I'm not interested'," Chiaki continued, "but that would be kinda shitty cuz he definitely would be leading you on if that's the case."

"You really think he's into me? Like you're not just saying that cuz you're my friend—"

"Hajime, I'm amazed that you still don't see it."

"I just..." I had trouble thinking of what to say that wouldn't turn this conversation into a lecture, "I dunno; I guess I just don't get what he'd see in me."

She sighed. "I don't know what to tell you; I don't like men."

"You're bi?"

"That doesn't mean I like men."

At least she got me to laugh. "You know what? That's fair."


	3. Rehearsals - Monday, Week 2

Today was the day. One I had been dreading and preparing for over the weekend. Choreography rehearsals begin today. And what better way to start your week than by watching the choreography to arguably the most provocative number in the show?

Last week, during a music rehearsal I missed due to sickness, I saw words written in Mikan's rehearsal report that would make my time much more challenging. "'Two Ladies' Dancers: Sayaka & Nagito"

Sakura, as our Intimacy Director, recommended doing all numbers and scenes with intimacy sooner rather than later so the actors can transition into intimacy at a pace they're comfortable with... so that means the song Two Ladies is being staged first: the song about a polyamorous group of three describing the sex they have regularly. And because only three actors are called tonight, I'm going to be the only stage manager on duty. I'm somehow going to have to keep myself in check.

Well, at least I have time to myself in an empty classroom while I wait for everyone else to arrive. I sighed as I turned the lights on. I moved the rehearsal furniture from whatever class was in here during the day aside, and looked at myself in the giant dance-studio mirror once I was done. I brushed bits and pieces of hair across my face and adjusted the tuck of my sweatshirt in my jeans. "Why are you worrying about how you look?" I asked my reflection, "You're here for work. You look fine."

I put on one of my podcasts on my phone's speaker while I grabbed my dinner from the dining hall plastic bag I brought with me. I tried to focus my energy on listening to the jokes playing from my phone while I ate my sandwich and chips. If I just don't have any intrusive thoughts, I'll be fine, right?

Once I was about done with my dinner, Professor Ito and Sakura walked in together, Sakura looking down at Ito's notes in her sheet music, nodding at what she was looking at.

"Hey; how are we today?" I asked

They responded with simple pleasantries as they got themselves situated: placing enormous water bottles on the table I sat at and pulling up chairs to join me. Ito remarked, "If they're able to handle the intimacy direction without getting silly, we could get out early tonight, honestly."

Sakura concurred and added, "The number isn't terribly long, but there are lots of areas where we may need to improvise if anyone is uncomfortable."

"Knowing these three," I began, "I'm sure things will go relatively smooth. They're all easy to work with, and Nagito never seems to have any problems with being asked to do wild stuff."

* * *

About ten minutes before call time, Rantaro, Sayaka, and Nagito all arrived together, chatting about something as they walked through the door. The three of them greeted everyone and started going through their bags at the room's storage shelf. "If you guys could sign in, please?" I requested as Sakura and Professor Ito migrated to the center of the room

They all put dance shoes on and lined up in front of the table I still sat at. "How are you today, Hajime?" Sayaka asked as she signed her name

"I'm doing alright; yourself?"

"I'm good, thanks!"

Sayaka was always so cheery. I see why she's in so many shows; she's a delight in the space.

Rantaro brought his hand up in a silent hello, smiling and nodding his head before signing in.

And Nagito was the only one left. He propped his elbows on the table, bending completely forward to do so. "Hey, Hajime; it's good to see you," he smiled

"Y-yeah, you too," I managed to quietly reply with an embarrassed smile as he slowly blinked through the eye contact he was making.

He chuckled and smirked, and I lost track of my heartbeat. He picked up the pen and blindly signed his name while he continued to stare at me. "Heh, they're all probably waiting for me. How inconsiderate."

And he turned around and joined the others, who started stretching, following Ito and Sakura's lead.

I shook out my head to bring it down from the clouds and grabbed the sign-in sheet to add it to my rehearsal binder. I couldn't help but smirk when I saw that somehow, even though he wasn't looking at the paper, he signed his name directly under Rantaro's— no overlapping at all. I smiled and sighed as I opened the binder and slipped the sign-in sheet inside, and brought my focus back to the group.

Throughout the night, I kept track of formations and general blocking in my copy of the script as Professor Ito taught them dance steps. Sakura gave an informed and calming speech about the procedures for proper Intimacy Choreography earlier and stood close by for whenever things got risqué. I watched with bated breath as Professor Ito would present an idea, like: "So Sayaka, you'd place your hands around Rantaro's waist, and his would be on your hips; and Nagito, you would be on the other side of Rantaro, holding Sayaka's hands from behind"

And Sakura was there to make sure the actors consented with each other to be touched. "Don't tell _me_ it's okay," she would insist, "Tell your dance partners."

It soon became habit. Every time Ito asked any of the actors if a move or a touch was okay, the actors would look at each other and say "yes that's okay," and no one had any issues with the choreography. And there was nothing for me to do but watch. Watch every thrust, every grab, every move they made that had its implications.

I crossed my legs under the table and rested my chin on a fist as my brain kept screaming ' _professional professional professional professional professional_ ' even as Nagito ditched his hoodie, revealing a sleeveless shirt was underneath. And then we got to the bridge. "Okay, so I need to go over this part with Obi," Professor Ito began, "I'm not sure what he has in mind here, but I'm thinking we could do some work with shadows? Like you three are behind a screen or a piece of fabric somehow and the audience just... sees what happens in the bedroom via shadows— if that makes sense. Would we all be okay with that?"

"Oh my gosh, that could be really shocking!" Sayaka exclaimed, laughing, "I love it!"

"I'm down," Rantaro added

"Fine with me," Nagito concurred

I swallowed, "Uh, how do you want me to write that in the rehearsal report?"

"Sex screen, question mark?" Rantaro offered

"Sure," Ito said

I swallowed again, "Okay great awesome," I smiled through clenched teeth, and wrote down 'sex screen? Talk with me & Obi' under the Set section of the rehearsal report and the Props section, not entirely sure who'd deal with that, but having a feeling Kazuichi would volunteer.

"Do you think maybe we could run everything we've done so far?" Nagito asked, "I really wanna make sure we're getting it."

I had been drinking water from my personal bottle to keep myself grounded and calm, and I instinctively grabbed it to take a swig, but the bottle was empty. I don't think I could sit through another run. I needed air. I looked at my phone and brought the clock up. "Oh actually it's time for a ten!" I announced, relieved, "Take ten, everyone! Be back at 9:10!"

"Thank you, ten," everyone replied. Of course Nagito went out of his way to thank me specifically with direct eye contact. He always does that, the bastard.

I darted out of the room to refill my water, quickly pacing toward the Hangout Hallway. Thank god no one else was here. I placed the bottle under the automatic dispenser and pressed my palm against the painted cinderblock wall, keeling my head over, exhaling a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I pulled out my phone and sent Chiaki a message.

Great, no help from the one person I could potentially get help from. Love that for me. I sighed as I put my phone back in my pocket to bring my focus back to my water bottle... which was overflowing. "Shit! Dammit—"

"Everything okay, Hajime?"

"Fuck—" I turned on my heels, clutching my chest, surprised to see Nagito behind me, holding open the bathroom door, "Sorry, sorry; you just startled me."

"Good thing I showed up when I did; let me help you out there," he used his free hand to gesture to my water bottle, still having water being poured into it, which I quickly grabbed, jostling its contents even more onto the floor as I placed it down on the top of the fountain.

"Yeah, thanks," he continued holding the door, letting me in first.

We stood at opposite sides of the bathroom, grabbing paper towels from the dispensers in silence, and we made our way out at our own pace. As I got down to the floor, I pressed the towels together in some sort of clump to get all the water absorbed as quickly as possible, and trying to avoid embarrassing myself in front of Nagito again. He joined me on the floor, and I think this is the closest we've ever been. "Nagito," I began, keeping my gaze on the tiles, "You don't have to take time out of your ten to help me clean up my own spilled water."

"Trash knows how to clean up," he replied, and I could hear the smile in his voice, "Anything to make things easier for you."

I looked up at him, and he was just soaking up the water with that stupid smile, concealed by his sweat-soaked hair in his face, sticking to his forehead. Does he ever not look good? I rapidly blinked and shook my head again, centering myself. Once we were basically done, he grabbed both of our clumps of towels, opened the bathroom door again, and looking down at me, said, "By the way: that outfit looks nice," and he walked into the bathroom, leaving me sitting alone on the floor.


	4. Rehearsals - Tuesday, Week 2

The scene shop always made me feel a little out of place. I was never good with power tools, and I'm not the strongest guy around. I feel kind of useless in here. Surrounded by machinery and folks who are confident using it... I feel small.

But I needed to be here today to talk with Mondo and Kazuichi about yesterday's little addition to their construction assignments.

When I walked in, I was forced to remember another reason I avoided the scene shop. The testosterone in the space was palpable. I could practically taste the weird sense of masculinity as I watched everyone work. I don't normally think about these guys in this light, but I guess I can't stop my imagination as I see Kazuichi bite his lip as he concentrates using a reciprocating saw with sweat on his brow. Or Leon's arms flexing while he lowers a drill press. Or Mondo with his hair pulled back, smirking as he guided Taka's hands using a belt sander.

"Oh, Hajime, what a pleasant surprise," I was snapped out of my trance when I heard an all-too-familiar sing-songy voice

I turned to see Nagito standing next to me. He was tying his hair back while he looked at me with a calm smile. The hair near his face was sticking to his skin from sweat. My mind wandered as I wondered what work he was just doing to make him work up a sweat like that. "What brings you here?" He asked

"Huh? Oh, uh, I'm meeting with Mondo and Kazuichi. What are _you_ doing here?"

"Haha, yeah," He chuckled, "I'm surprised they trust someone like me to use any of this equipment, too. But I'm on Construction Crew this semester, by some miracle."

Yeah, I decided to skip Construction Crew. I could get my 'crew' requirements in different fields, like Admin Crew and Lighting Crew— things I was much more confident doing. Seemed like Nagito was stepping out of his comfort zone for this. But if he's nervous about working here, why would he choose Construction Crew? "I can get Kazuichi and Mondo for you. Let me be useful," He requested

I waved a hand dismissively, "N-no, it's alright. If you all are working then I'll just wait for the right opportunity. You don't have to go out of your way to help me—"

"What if I want to?"

He always asked confusing questions. And when he asked them, they were followed with looks that set me on fire. This is why I can't talk to him for extended periods of time: I forget how to speak. Fortunately, I was easily brought back on track. The shop became a bit quieter as the belt sander had stopped whirring. "Hajime! Do you need something?" Taka called out

"Oh, right," Mondo rested his chin on Taka's head, "Hey, Soda!"

The reciprocating saw suddenly stopped buzzing as Kazuichi shot his attention up to Mondo, "Yeah?!"

"Hajime's here; let's not keep him waiting."

Kazuichi saluted and pushed the safety glasses he had on to his head, resting against the brim of his beanie. When he started approaching, I quickly turned my head away, not wanting him to suspect I had been staring. That made me turn my attention back to Mondo, who was speaking something into Taka's ear. He squeezed Taka's shoulders, Taka nodded enthusiastically with a proud smile afterward, then Mondo left his side to join me and Kazuichi.

"Alright, what the fuck is a sex screen?" Mondo cut straight to the point

"Oh, that's what this is about!" I jumped a bit when I realized Nagito was still here, "Did Obi provide clarification for what we're doing?"

"Y-yeah, I was going to let you guys know on Friday when all three of you would be in the same place," I told him

Kazuichi and Mondo had... troubled expressions. I opened my mouth to explain, but Nagito beat me to the punch, "Rantaro, Sayaka, and I are going to be mimicking sex acts during one of the songs, so we need a screen or piece of fabric to project our shadows on."

"Jesus," Kazuichi replied, wide-eyed with an eager grin, "I didn't know Obi would be that explicit!"

Nagito shrugged and I felt my face heat up, "The song _is_ supposed to be shocking," he said, as if it were no big deal

"So yeah," I tried steering the conversation back to professionalism, "I wasn't sure which of you would tackle it."

We talked about what kind of mechanism they'd actually need to construct. I explained the choreography, with Nagito assisting, whether I asked or not. Mondo took out a mechanical pencil from his pocket and grabbed a sticky note from a nearby pile and sketched out possibilities. As much as I was irritated that Nagito was inserting himself into the conversation, I realized having him on hand was actually pretty helpful. He could provide feedback on the ideas based on his perspective as an actor in the scene. We ended up settling on fabric wrapped around two poles that Nagito and Sayaka would set up during the number. Kazuichi volunteered to tackle it, saying "I'll ask Gundham what fabric to get—"

"He probably has some you can snatch up, right? You complain about him bringing home fabric and shit all the time—" Mondo was cut off

"I'm not gonna ask him to gimme shit from his personal stash," Kazuichi suddenly got defensive, "He spends good money on that. I'll just ask him for an opinion and I can get it out of my own budget."

Mondo laughed, "Alright, man, calm down; I'll let you bicker with your husband on your own time—"

"We're not dating; fuck off!"

And that just made Mondo laugh more.

* * *

"Well Mondo's one to talk," Chiaki said between bites of her sushi, "Calling out weird tension; pot calling the kettle black."

"You think so, too?" I asked her, pausing the twirling of my pasta

"That he and Taka need to make out or fall in love or whatever?" She took a sip of her drink, "I'm just waiting for them to kiss in front of me; I know it's going to happen eventually."

"Maki said something similar the other day," I leaned in across the table we chose in the dining hall, trying to keep my voice down a bit, "I really don't think they'd like—"

"What, be gay?"

"Jesus, no; that's not what I'm trying to say; what the fuck?"

She just shrugged, and took a sip from her straw, forcing us to hear the air in the cup being sucked through as she forced the last drops of juice out. I crossed my arms and slouched back in my chair. "I dunno; they're just such good friends. I guess if I were in their shoes I'd be worried about the possibility of ruining that."

"Hey, that's fair, I think," she made her eyes look up at the ceiling, contemplating her words, "I mean I guess it'd be pretty hypocritical of me to criticize you for that. Rejection is scary."

She picked up another slice of her cucumber roll with her chopsticks and plopped it in her mouth as if she just schooled me. But I've never seen her have a girlfriend— or a boyfriend or partner of any kind, for that matter... excluding me. We don't count each other freshman year. We both agree that month was unnecessary.

"Question," she spoke again, still while chewing food, "you say you'd be nervous to ruin a friendship by asking someone out. Is that why you haven't asked Nagito out yet?"

I quickly swiveled my head back and forth across the room, as if he may suddenly appear and overhear everything. He wasn't around, but I still leaned in closer to avoid wandering ears, "I guess?"

I mean it isn't entirely inaccurate. I don't want things to be weird if he says no. Also, he's just unusually hot, and I instantly clam up being around him. "When was the last time you saw him outside of class or rehearsals?" Chiaki asked

Oh. Well, um... "Yeah I think I'd know about it," Chiaki cut off my train of thought, "You tell me basically everything. If you spent time with him off-campus you'd be talking about it for weeks."

"Shut up," I weakly protested, knowing she was absolutely right.

"Doesn't sound like there's much of a friendship to ruin if you guys aren't... friends? Just asking him to grab lunch with you or something doesn't automatically mean you're on a date. Maybe you'd be less intimidated by him if you were used to being around him."

I left lunch with Chiaki with a lot to think about. When I got back to the Stage Managers' Office, I pulled out my binder for Cabaret and flipped to the contact sheet. There was his phone number. It was plain as day. Every other show we've worked on together, I always had an ASM contact Nagito for me if he was running late or anything like that. I had been avoiding having his number in my contacts. Chiaki's words rang through my head as I pulled out my phone, made a new contact, and impulsively typed a message. "Maybe you'd be less intimidated by him if you were used to being around him."


	5. Rehearsals - Friday, Week 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Alcohol starting this chapter

After Nagito declined my offer earlier this week, claiming he had other plans, I just assumed he was trying to let me down easy. This was at least reassuring.

I paced in the Hangout Hallway bathroom for the next five minutes, desperately waiting for Chiaki to get out of class. It's Friday so it's not like anyone would walk in on me. Barely anyone has Friday classes at this hour in the department. Once it was 2:30 on the dot, I FaceTimed her. "Geez," she was still piling out of the lecture hall she was in on the other side of campus, struggling to connect her headphones as she walked, "you look STRESSED."

"Maybe because I am?"

"Okay, okay," she giggled, "What do you need help with?"

I positioned the phone so Chiaki could see me in the bathroom's full-length mirror. "Am I good?"

"Really? You're worried about how you look?"

I vaguely gestured to my outfit with a sense of force, "I'm worried about a lot of things, Chiaki, and yes how I look happens to be one of them."

She laughed at me and I groaned. "You really think this matters?" Chiaki asked, "They have dance rehearsals tonight; it's not like they're going to dress to impress. They're going to be in sweaty movement clothes."

"Okay, yeah, but _he_ looks good like that," I informed her

"Well that's cuz you imagine making him work up a sweat in a different way."

I pursed my lips and shot my eyebrows up. She's not wrong but she can't just SAY that! "Chiaki, seriously!"

"I'm being completely serious, but lemme see the fit again," I did as she asked, "Ah yes a denim jacket; very gay, good, good. ... Hajime you're wearing PLAID PANTS today: the most gay-coded thing in your wardrobe."

"Alright, but do I look okay?" I was genuinely worried!

"Yes; this is a very good outfit, I think."

I actually sighed with relief. "Thank you." After being Chiaki's friend for so long, I know when she's being sincere.

"Clearly you're still nervous about the possibility of being in close proximity to him," She added, throwing me off yet again

"God, how do you read me so well?" I asked her, turning the phone to face me again.

* * *

"You seem tense today," Maki said as she put a salad down on the table before sitting beside me

"Hah, yeah," I absentmindedly replied, bringing my sandwich to my face

"You uh, good?" She asked

"Yeah," I lied, "Yeah I'll be okay."

"Okay, I'll take diligent notes tonight, got it," Maki replied. I think she saw through my bullshit.

I blinked a bit and brought myself back, looking over at Maki and Mikan, joining me for rehearsals for the first time this week. While I managed the choreography rehearsals, my ASMs were running blocking rehearsals with other actors in different rehearsal rooms. Mikan looked even more worried than she usually did. Maki was practically piercing daggers into me. "Do you need anything, Hajime? Ibuprofen? Water? A nap?" Mikan offered

"No, no, I'm okay," I threw on a smile to reassure her, "Just, uh... something's on my mind. That's all!"

"Something that may uh, be distracting in rehearsals?" Maki bluntly asked

"Maki you don't get it," I leaned in and spoke quietly to her, "You haven't seen this choreo."

Watching the Kit Kat Dancers learn their dances all week has been a challenging experience, to say the least. Well, only when Nagito is called to rehearsals, really. I got a bit of respite when it was just the girls called, and the one day where it was just Junko and Leon. But today, we're trying to get through the seven-minute-long opening number. I have a feeling in my gut that Maki will sympathize a little after tonight.

And I was absolutely correct, in a way I never would've expected. Maki's fingernails tapped on the table incessantly during runs of the number. I didn't think much of it until I noticed it kept happening during a particular section of the song— one that made me react in a similar fashion.

"Bobby!" Rantaro gestured to Nagito, who entered the scene

"Victor!" He mimicked the motion as Makoto entered on the opposite side

"Or is it Victor... and Bobby? You know, there's only one way to tell the difference," he turned to the audience and winked, "I'll show you later."

Whenever Nagito's character was introduced, he stood so confidently. Sometimes it was to the point of ridiculousness. I had to hold back my laughter.

And then I'd hear the fingernails. "Hans!" Rantaro would gesture toward the 'second floor', where Kaito would enter, pantomiming holding a saxophone. The set isn't built yet— we're rehearsing in a theatre classroom, so we marked off a designated area for the 'second floor' in the rehearsal room. "Hans blows the best out of anybody I know," Rantaro would make a suggestive gesture to the audience.

I took my focus away from the run of the number and looked over at Maki. She looked like she was holding back a smile. Her face was pink and her lips were tight, as if they were receding into her mouth.

I chuckled to myself. As Rantaro introduced Shuichi's character into the scene, I tapped Maki's arm and leaned toward her to whisper "Do you get it now?"

She scowled back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure, sure," I had a feeling she _did_ know what I was talking about.

And by the time rehearsals were over for the night, even through my own anxiety, I saw more confirmation that Maki felt my struggle. "Hey, you should come with us!" Kaito leaned on our table, taking a swig from his water bottle after he invited Maki and Mikan to the restaurant we were all going to.

"Oh, no thank you," Mikan smiled as she packed up her bag, "I'm feeling a little tired; I'm going to go to bed as soon as I get home."

"Maki?" Kaito grinned and bounced his eyebrows

I don't think I've ever seen Maki like this before. But she's gotten under my skin about Nagito in the past. Time for some... encouragement. "Yeah, Maki, you should join us!"

"... Fine. Sure."

"Hell yeah! The more the merrier!" Kaito cheered, "You need a ride—?"

"— No, I'm good," She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair, averting her gaze to the floor. I could feel my cheeks hurt from smiling as I saw hers flush that shade of pink.

"Alright, cool; I'll see you there," Kaito tossed his water bottle into his other hand and headed to the rest of the group with a spring in his step.

"Interesting," I whispered, toying with her

"What?" She whispered back

"Interesting how it can be difficult to keep your composure when there's a hot guy dancing and moving provocatively in front of you—"

"I never said I think Kaito's hot," she stabbed me with her stare, but I was only partially taken aback.

"I never said Kaito," I couldn't help it. I was being a complete ass, but it was well deserved with how much Maki had messed with me previously.

"Fuck off, Hajime," she glared at me, still blushing.

"Hey, he's a good guy!" I tried to get back on her good side as I packed up my stuff, "And now you have a chance to spend time with him."

"Yeah. Great." She sighed and closed her binder.

* * *

Maki and I were the last to arrive at the local Chili's. We had to send out the rehearsal report for the night and lock up the room, after all. We parked next to each other, in solidarity. I couldn't help but chuckle when I watched Maki turn on her car's light and quickly pull something out of her bag. Lipgloss. I never expected Maki to be a lipgloss wearer, but she hastily applied two coats in her driver's seat.

When we stepped out of our cars, I joked "What is that? Maybelline?"

"Why? You wanna swatch it? Considering picking it up on your next trip to the drugstore?" She jabbed back, slinging her bag over her shoulder

"I'm sorry, Maki; it's just really cute seeing you like this," I told her honestly as we walked through the parking lot to the front door.

"Like what?" She defensively asked

"You like someone; it's cute seeing you put in the effort to try and look good for them."

"Takes one to know one, Plaid Pants Havin Ass."

As I opened the door for us, I replied "Hey, I was told wearing these helps people know I'm Queer."

We instantly spotted the rest of the group crowded around high-top tables pushed together in the bar. I awkwardly told the host at the front "We're uh, we're with them," as we migrated

It looked like everyone had already gotten started. Everyone was nursing a cup, glass, or bottle, and there were baskets of tortilla chips on different ends of the table with bowls of salsa inside. Sayaka, Ayane, and Sonia— the roommates— were all clumped together at the far end, huddled around each other. Hiyoko, Tenko, and Kaede sat in chairs directly across from the roommates— they were closest to the door. On the other side of Sonia were Makoto, Shuichi, and Kaito, with an empty spot just barely squeezed in between Kaito and Kaede. And on the other side of Sayaka were Rantaro and Nagito, with another open spot parallel to the other side. "Hey, guys!" Kaito was the one to greet us, brown glass bottle in hand, as we approached

Maki and I looked at each other and discreetly nodded in understanding. We parted ways to sit across from each other, next to the man we teased the other about.

Normally, we only go out with the cast like this to celebrate opening night. This was the first time we were invited to a casual Friday Night Get Together. As I cautiously situated myself at the high-top, trying to figure out who was having which conversation, my heart tightened in my chest. "Glad you could make it," Nagito's voice melted into my ear like butter in a frying pan. I could feel his breath against my face. And was that... spice I smelled? He... smelled good? He just danced for like three hours; why did he smell good?

I managed to smile and really look at him. The bar lighting was dim, but I could still make out every detail of his face, especially because he tied his hair back during rehearsals tonight. I don't think I've ever actually been this close to him before. I could distinguish every curve and angle of his bone structure. I could see the flecks of greens and grays in his eyes. I could feel myself melting even more the more I looked at him as he talked with Rantaro and Makoto. _I shouldn't just make googly eyes at him all night_ , I thought, scolding myself, _at least TRY to engage in conversation_.

"So Gundham's chill?" I heard Makoto ask. I couldn't help but notice Sonia pick her head up and turn her attention away from her own conversation.

"Oh, for sure," Rantaro replied, dipping a chip into salsa, "He's the least judgmental guy. Awesome to work with."

Oh, they must be talking about costume meetings. Gundham had started meeting with the leads already. "You've never been costumed by him before, right?" I asked, trying to jog my memory if Makoto had been in a show with Gundham in the past

"No, this is my first time working with him," He continued, holding on to his plastic mug of water, "I've only worked with Celeste and Tsumugi."

"Well with Gundham you don't need to worry at all," Rantaro assured, "He really does just want to make sure you're comfortable."

Sonia smiled and went back to listening to Sayaka and Ayane, who were going over a menu, as Makoto sighed "To be honest, I've been really nervous about costumes."

"One of the things he asks you is if there are any body parts you don't want to show off," Rantaro elaborated, "He'll give you sleeves if you don't like your arms. He'll make sure your torso is covered if you have issues with your stomach. Like, yeah, we work at some underground club, but his whole mantra is that we as actors will sell the sex appeal if we feel sexy in whatever we're wearing."

"You said your meeting is Monday?" Nagito asked

"Yeah, it is. It's at noon." Makoto confirmed

"Mine is 11:45 that same day. I can tell you what it's like if that'll calm you down," Nagito offered, "We're in the same ensemble after all."

"Hey, thanks, I appreciate that," Makoto did seem more relieved than when I first started listening.

"Always happy to help," Nagito lifted a small glass with a slice of lime on the brim in the air as an unnecessary 'cheers' before practically downing the entire thing.

"Dude, slow down; we just got here," Rantaro laughed

"Yeah, and?" Nagito asked, following it with a swig of water

"Doesn't that thing have three kinds of tequila in it? And haven't you already had two?" I furrowed my brow, feeling an uneasiness as Rantaro asked that.

"Yeah," Nagito drank some more water, "And it's good. I'll be fine with another."

Rantaro shrugged and went for another chip, and Nagito turned to face me. "You alright?" He asked

I was already feeling tense internally, but my body practically seized when I felt something against my leg. His leg. Even when I quickly looked down at it, he didn't move it back. Was this intentional? He was leaning on his elbows on the table so casually. It was as if he didn't notice or didn't care. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

He smiled when I said that. My soul was a lighter and he just flicked the switch to start a flame. He finished off his drink and said "I really am glad you're here. I like being around you."

My eyes went wide and my mouth tightened. What does that mean? I wish I had a drink of my own. I probably should order something to try and calm myself down. But I couldn't just sit there and let that be the last thing said. "I uh," I swallowed and put on a brave face, "I've always thought you were cool."

And I blew it. I blew it! He laughed. He was laughing AT me, I'm sure of it. "You're funny, Hajime."

I forced out a nervous chuckle. I blew it. I didn't want to be an anxious wreck all night. If I ruined the fun vibe, I don't think I'd be invited out again.

I looked across from me to check on Maki. Slouched back in her chair with her arms folded across her chest, she had the slightest hint of a smile as Kaito, Shuichi, and Kaede laughed about something. At least her night seemed to be going better than mine.

We all eventually ordered just... too many appetizers to share among the table, and I nursed a beer to bring my nerves down. Meanwhile, I couldn't help but count how many of those tequila mixes Nagito had ordered. He was about to order a fifth when our server cut him off. "Yeah man, you're getting sloppy," Rantaro informed him

"Me? Sloppy? Never!" It sounded almost sarcastic

"Alright, yeah, time to go home," Rantaro took out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table, "This should cover us. We don't need a repeat of last semester."

What happened last semester? This wasn't the time to ask, I gathered. "Aw well, I guess my time is done. I wouldn't want to ruin everyone's good time," Nagito cooed loosely.

Everyone casually said their goodbyes as Rantaro literally pushed Nagito out the door. Nagito could barely keep his eyes open as he waved his fingers toward us. The only one other than me who was confused was Maki.

And then my phone vibrated in my pocket.


	6. Rehearsals - Monday, Week 3

I left my dorm feeling kind of high. I hadn't taken anything... I just... felt lighter than air. Nagito and I ended up talking all weekend. It's much easier for me to talk to him via text. I have time to think about what I want to say.

We just talked about our days. And we were asking each other questions about our interests. He's teaching himself to cook. He laughs at trashy reality television. He works retail to help pay his bills because he somehow lives in his own HOUSE. Not an apartment: a HOUSE.

He's becoming more than just an attractive person who's been occupying my headspace. More than a fantasy that keeps me up at night. I've liked the Idea of Nagito for so long; it feels surreal to be learning about who he really is, to become intrigued by him. I was looking forward to seeing him.

I barely paid attention to my morning class. I was just anticipating getting to see him again. _After this_ , I thought, _I can head over to the Hangout Hallway and spend the rest of the day in the department. We're bound to run into each other._

Once the professor dismissed us, I crossed campus with more purpose than I ever had before. The early Spring breeze didn't phase me. I had a destination. I was determined to reach it.

When I finally got to the theatre department, my body caught up to me. I was winded, and it didn't help that I skipped breakfast today. After I meet up with Mondo about Set Progress, I'll grab lunch. No big deal! I can taste the teriyaki chicken sandwich already. "Hajime, you look ROUGH," I looked up and suddenly, Leon was jesting with me while simultaneously stuffing a burger in his face

I made it to the Hangout Hallway at least. Leon, Kazuichi, and Miu were sitting on a bench together all having lunch. And they were all laughing at me. "Did you run here? Damn!" Miu snorted

"Here, man, take some," Kazuichi offered me a handful of french fries with a smile that pitied me.

I wasn't gonna turn down free food. I snatched the fries from him with a bit more intensity than I would've preferred. "Geez, what's up YOUR ass?" Miu asked

It was at that moment I looked down the hallway and saw who I'd been hoping to see. Nagito was leaning back on a bench in front of the door to the costume shop, talking with Makoto, who had a tense posture. I smiled and continued my path. "Okay, bye?" Kazuichi called out, confused

Oh shit, I kind of just took food from him and left. I turned over my shoulder and waved vaguely, saying "I'll catch you guys later" before turning back around

Nagito looked good today. Well, he looks good every day, but the neutral green of his jacket against the burgundy of his tshirt complimented him well. He ran a hand through his somehow perfectly messy wavy hair as he talked, and I thought I might black out if I looked for too long.

I started listening to their conversation. "He offered suggestions?" Makoto asked, "Like what?"

"Well, I don't think this will be an issue for you, since you have self-respect," Nagito replied as I leaned against the water dispenser, "But the first thing Gundham showed me was a corset because, and I quote, 'you're the only one who could potentially say yes'. Oh, hey Hajime."

We smiled at each other and I melted like a crayon left out in the sun. And then my gay ass caught up to what he just said, and I clenched my teeth through my smile. "A corset!?" Makoto spoke our shock for us.

Nagito chuckled, "Yeah, but don't worry about having to wear one yourself. As soon as I approved, Gundham said it was reserved for me."

My mind started wandering. My imagination has a vague idea of what Nagito's body could look like based on some of his outfits for dance rehearsals. I knew since the first rehearsal that I'd get the chance to see him in a sexy outfit of some kind... but picturing Nagito in a corset really got my blood flowing. Picturing my hands ripping a corset off Nagito—

"Something on your mind, Hajime?" I was brought out of my trance when I heard Nagito suddenly whispering in my ear. Makoto was gone and Nagito was leaning his hand on the bathroom door, inches away from me, smirking, "I bet I have a pretty good idea what you're thinking about."

And then he walked into the bathroom before I could respond. Fuck. That was hot.

Luckily, I didn't need to think about it for too long. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I quickly grabbed it, since I needed the distraction.

Mondo was ready to meet. Thank god, I can get back to work and get my mind out of the gutter.

* * *

I walked onto the stage from the wings and was impressed with what I saw over the sound of electric drills whirring. The curved staircase was practically complete, and the base wall was already there. A good handful of folks were hard at work while Mondo looked on, arms across his chest.

"Hey man," I called out to him, but my words seemed to fall on deaf ears. Mondo was clearly distracted.

I stood beside him and tried to find where his eyes were looking. At the base of the wall, Taka was bent down, drilling hinges into a doorframe in a tight tshirt and fitted pants. I looked back to Mondo, who was biting his lip. I raised my eyebrows in understanding.

Wait.

Maki and Chiaki were right. I'm really that oblivious? THIS is the first time I've noticed Mondo clearly checking out Taka?

I gently nudged Mondo's arm with my elbow. "Dude, come on," I joked

"Huh? Oh fuck, sorry Hajime; how long've you been standing there?"

"Just a couple minutes. Enough to catch you enjoying the view," I couldn't suppress my pompous grin

"The fuck you talkin about?" Mondo was actually starting to blush as he got defensive

"Well I'm sure you don't want me to elaborate over the drills; I'll definitely get his attention that way."

"Let's walk and talk," Mondo smacked a hand on my back and led me out, guiding me toward the stage managers' office.

We didn't need to talk about the progress of the set in my office; we could've just gone to the hallway, or walked into the house of the theater. He shut the door behind us and exhaled a heavy sigh. "Can I talk with you like... candidly? I dunno if that's the word I'm looking for, but like... fuck, I dunno, man; I got shit on my mind,"

I've known Mondo for a bit now, and I've never seen this side of him. He looked like he was worried he got in trouble, like a guilty dog who ate a couch cushion. "Yeah, what's up?" I pushed my rolling desk chair toward him and chose a stool for myself

He stopped the leather chair before it collided with anything and sat down, resting his arms on his thighs. "Sorry the set isn't more complete; I've been getting distracted lately."

Were we looking at the same set? They've made so much progress in a week. Mondo is an incredible team leader and skilled craftsman. He's one of the department's hardest workers. "No, the progress you guys have is just fine," I assured him, "We're still ahead of schedule."

"I've just been kicking myself lately with how I'm behind my OWN schedule," He sighed, "I haven't been planning as much as I should, and I don't think my priorities are in the right place."

"Your priorities?"

"Yeah," He looked up at me, "You basically caught me red-handed, man."

Oh right. He continued, "I've been worrying too much about wanting to ask him out. It's driving me insane. Every time I try, I just get nervous, and when I get nervous I get loud, and so I just stop myself before I'm shouting because I don't wanna scare him or nothin. And I dunno, does he really..." he trailed off, and suddenly shifted his weight, "Never mind, it's stupid."

"Dude, it's not stupid," I could relate to his struggle. But at least he and Taka seemed close. Like, I'm terrified of Nagito rejecting me... I'm terrified of rejection in general, but Nagito's rejection would burn me to a new degree. I wanted to let Mondo know I understood where he was coming from, "You're allowed to have feelings, Mondo."

He fidgeted with his hands in his lap and confessed, "I dunno if he'd even see me like that, ya know? We've been bros for so long, and I don't wanna ruin that by making things weird. But the closer we get, the more I... like him," he groaned, lurched forward, and started pulling at his hair, "God, I haven't LIKED someone since fucking high school."

Man, I know that feeling. Before Nagito, I haven't Truly Liked Someone in years. "I know it's scary," I thought about what Maki and Chiaki have said to me, and how I've seen Mondo and Taka act around each other recently, and told him, "But I think you should go for it."

"Yeah?"

"If this is eating you up inside so much, it'll at least take a weight off your shoulders. And I, uh, don't think it'll go, uh, bad."

Okay, I'm not a wordsmith: I'll be the first to admit that. But Mondo didn't seem to care. His demeanor was changed in an instant. He grinned, and with a sparkle in his eye told me "You're a good guy, Hajime. Thanks," and after a pause, "You, uh, wanna know about the uh, set construction schedule now?"


	7. Rehearsals - Friday, Week 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for the more troubling themes of the musical "Cabaret": the Nazis during Hitler's rise to power, concentration camps, and executions. These are mentioned because they are part of the script of "Cabaret" and are not discussed in detail.
> 
> TW for Suicidal and Intrusive Thoughts  
> TW for mentions of death of family members

Two things occupied my mind. One: This is flirting. Right? He wouldn't add a heart if we weren't flirting. Right? Am I crazy? I've definitely been attempting to hit on him via text the more we've been talking, but since it is over text you really can't be entirely sure.

Two: I'm going to spend time with him outside of class and rehearsals again. AND I was able to take time to plan out my look for tonight instead of having to call Chiaki in a gay panic. I looked in the full-length mirror against my dorm door and adjusted the tuck of my tshirt into my jeans, and rolled up the sleeves of my cardigan. I look good. Today's gonna be a good day.

* * *

And then when I got to rehearsals this evening, I was reminded that maybe tonight would be a little different than last week. We're blocking the Act 2 Finale, and to put it lightly, it's a huge fucking bummer.

Every actor is called tonight, too. Everyone participates in such a major fucking bummer. It's inescapable! At least it's a shorter rehearsal. I don't think anyone could handle three hours of pretending to be sent to a concentration camp. Two hours is PLENTY.

"I want you all to think about it individually," Professor Obi nonchalantly explained to the ensemble, "How long does it take before your character is sent off? And what for? Is your character Jewish? Gay? Both? There's a lot to think about. Maybe some of you snitch on some of the others. And we wanna incorporate it in your costumes, so be sure to keep Hajime updated so he can pass your notes off to Gundham."

I gave Obi a thumbs up as I wrote the note down in the rehearsal report. The energy in this rehearsal room is DENSE. It's like we're all ice cubes trapped in their plastic tray in a freezer in the winter.

Some characters had their fates basically decided for them. Obi made it clear he wanted The Emcee's final moments on stage to be implied death by firing squad. He talked with Ayane about Sally Bowles being Jewish, so she will also be sent to her death. And poor Byakuya is straight-up playing a Nazi. Not many characters live after the curtain falls. The overall story of _Cabaret_ is incredibly powerful: neutrality in politics only furthers the cause of those who shouldn't rise to power, and politics can and will affect you as an individual. It's a cautionary tale based on one of the most tragic events in human history.

At 8:00 on the dot, I told Obi it was time for them to take a break. They all needed it, and Obi agreed. "Alright, take five," I announced, "Be back at 8:05, everyone."

The cast all called "thank you, five" and went about their business. Taking a break was different tonight, too. Normally, when everyone is gathered together in a group, they're all eager to talk with each other during downtime. We're all at least friendly with one another. I looked around the room. Other than Byakuya and Ayane standing together with her head on his shoulder, and Sayaka and Sonia whispering among themselves, everyone was on their phones... isolated. I leaned over to Maki and Mikan and whispered "I don't know how they all do it."

Maki nodded her head silently in agreement as Mikan replied "Being an actor must be really tough. Do you think there's anything I can do?"

I haven't acted since I was 14 years old. As soon as I was introduced to the idea of Stage Management, I knew that's what I wanted to do. I was in a single school play in high school, and then I trained under my school's Resident Stage Manager for a semester and took his place after he graduated. I haven't looked back since.

Theatre is the only art form that lets you see life appear before you in real-time. Theatre is the art of reality. And to connect with your character to tell a story as intense as _Cabaret_ 's must be emotionally taxing. I've worked on plenty of other plays and musicals that can cause similar distress to actors, but it's different when it's just one or two characters with challenging arcs. This time, no one in the cast gets a happy ending.

I suggested to Mikan, "If you want, maybe you should say something about taking care of yourself? Like a self-care thing? I think it might help."

"Good idea," Maki added

"Okay, I'll start thinking about what I should say," Mikan replied, and started scribbling in the margins of her script

I really did pick the right team for this show. Watching Mikan diligently try to come up with something to boost morale made me grateful for her.

_Bzzzt_ _bzzzt_

My phone vibrated on the table. Well, we're still on break; there's no harm in checking it.

How could Nagito remain so... relaxed? Or is this just a front?

* * *

By the time rehearsals let out— early, too; thank god Obi has empathy— everyone was mentally exhausted. We had all packed up and Nagito and Rantaro were staying behind with me and my ASMs while we cleaned up. "It's a rum kind of night, I think," Nagito sighed, leaning a hand on the table as I pressed 'send' on the rehearsal report, "What do you think, Rantaro? Shots on my tab?"

"Sorry, man. I don't think I can tonight. I need to fuckin' go to bed," Rantaro said through gritted teeth. It was completely understandable. He did have to pretend to be executed for multiple hours. He swung his drawstring bag over his shoulder and patted Nagito's shoulder on his way out, "Have fun, y'all," and then he aggressively pointed a finger at Nagito, "Don't do anything stupid. I don't need to hear about any of your bullshit in the morning when all I want is to email my therapist, alright?"

And then Rantaro leaned in closer to Nagito, and I could barely make out "Did _you_ find a therapist like I've been suggesting for the past few months?"

Nagito just shrugged with a lighthearted smile. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear them.

The group was sparse today. It was just me and Nagito, Leon, and Kaede, so we all just sat at the bar instead of commandeering the tables, and Nagito bought us all a round of shots. When they arrived— all with lime slices and salt on their brims— Leon held up his glass and proposed a toast, "To getting through, uh, That."

We all raised our glasses in affirmation, and Kaede even said "L'chaim," before we all downed the salty, sour concoctions

I had to shut my eyes and shake my head to bring myself back, and I heard Nagito laughing beside me. "What's so funny?" I turned to him, prepared to look confident, maybe even suave, but one look at him made that act disappear. I felt myself get flustered in an instant seeing Nagito sucking on his slice of lime. Fuck. The eye contact didn't help, either.

"I'll ask them to water yours down next time, Hajime," Nagito said after releasing the pucker on the lime with a _POP_

"Shut up," I smiled, praying the heat in my face was from the intensity of the shot

The night was about as lighthearted as we could make it. Leon was a bit more bombastic than usual, and constantly turned to Kaede for approval after telling a joke. As I felt Nagito slowly bring himself closer to me— my heart tightening in my chest with every move he made— I watched as Leon tried the same on Kaede, but quicker, and with less desirable results. We had only been sitting at the bar for about an hour when Kaede declared "Oh, wow, I'm more tired than I expected! Well, I don't wanna stick around too much longer so I don't risk falling asleep at the wheel," She was laughing between her words, but I could tell from the look in her eyes it was forced, "I'll see you guys Monday!"

Those were her parting words once she paid her bill. "Damn," Leon exhaled, disappointment in his voice

"I didn't know you were into her," I said to him

"I mean," Leon began, "She's hot, right?"

"Sure," I replied. I hadn't really thought about her like that before, especially when someone else has been on my mind for so long, "Yeah, she's pretty; she's talented—"

"But I think I struck out," Leon cut me off.

"You _were_ coming on a little strong," I said

"I dunno, I just felt like..." Leon trailed off, bringing his gaze to the floor to think before looking back at me, "Like it feels like you two are on a date, and I didn't want to be That Guy cutting in on it."

Nervous laughter escaped my throat. "Like we're on a—?"

I brought my gaze to Nagito, who had a dazed smile accompanied by his jade eyes slowly blinking at me. His right arm was resting against mine and his left hand was holding his cocktail, which he demurely brought to his lips. I lost track of how many he's had. And he's looking at me Like That. "The vibe feels off," Leon continued, taking money out of his wallet, "Sorry, but I think I'll just bounce. I'll catch you guys later," and then he whispered to me, "use protection, alright?" Laughing as he pat my shoulder and headed out.

"And then there were two," Nagito said with That Look on his face

The bartender came back and handed me the glass of beer I ordered and I took a drink, nodding with an 'mhm' that I tried to mask my nerves with

"Hey Hajime," Nagito finished the last drop of whatever he was drinking, "What drew you to—"

Is he about to ask why I'm into him? Does he know I look at him and get weak in the knees and forget how to breathe? How can he tell how much I want to run my fingers through his hair and feel his breath against my skin? How much I look at his smile and want to kiss his lips and feel that smile on me? He couldn't possibly—

"— stage management?"

Oh. Oh thank god. My overactive imagination had me worried I'd be confessing at the Chili's bar, which isn't exactly how I imagined things would go.

So we ended up just... talking. I told him about my stage management experience in high school, and the internship I had the summer before college started. I asked him when he got into acting, and he told me how he auditioned for a musical on a whim his junior year and hasn't looked back. How he's gotten cast in everything he's auditioned for so far, seemingly from a combination of talent and luck.

We were exchanging stories from shows we've worked on when he suddenly dropped a bomb. "Yeah, I was in a production of _Les Mis_ the summer my parents died," Wait, his parents are dead? I did my best to conceal the shock on my face and let him continue, "and oddly enough, being in a show that's about loss and death and trying to change the world but failing was... cathartic. I played Enjolras, so I was blessed with dying on stage every night. They planned something really extravagant for me, too. I had blood packs on my stomach and I kept one in my mouth. They were still determining my parents' cause of death at the time so it felt... liberating to get to pretend to die so formulaically multiple nights a week. It's funny how theatre can help like that. I didn't have the strength to kill myself, but I got to pretend to be shot in the stomach and watch blood get shot out of my mouth before keeling over onto the set."

That was... that was a lot. He had gotten a refill on his drink and took a long swig. Is there a way for me to join Rantaro in pushing Nagito toward therapy without letting him know I was eavesdropping?

Nagito's hands were suddenly around my bicep and I felt myself jump. "Hey, thanks for listening, Hajime," his words were loose, like a plastic grocery bag being carried across the highway on a windy day, "Most people start asking a million and one questions when I drop the 'dead parents thing' and you just let me talk so I really appreciate it."

He was wobbly, leaning closer to me with a dizzying smile. "Hey, Nagito—"

"Yeaaaah?"

"I'm gonna drive you home now."

I quickly placed bills on the counter and found my keys as Nagito whined "Do we have to?"

I didn't bother answering him. He didn't need another excuse to argue with anyone. He slid off the barstool as I stood up, and his lips curled into a smile when he shocked me: he grabbed my hand.

He laced his fingers between mine and leaned his body into me, batting his eyes. "C-come on," I stuttered as I dragged him into the parking lot

He got into my car with no issues, but he was— for lack of a better word— sloppy when buckling in. "Hand me your phone?" I asked

"Haha, you already have my number," he giggled, his body swaying in my passenger seat, "You have a funny way of trying to pick me up."

I pursed my lips and clenched my left hand on the steering wheel. Luckily, he handed me his phone anyway. "Can you unlock it?"

"Oh, how useless can I get?" Nagito was still self-deprecating when drunk, huh?

I watched, growing more frustrated as inebriated Nagito struggled to unlock his phone. He... forgot he had Face ID. He locked himself out of his own phone. "Shit," he laughed through that, too.

He closed his eyes, leaned his head against the car window, and started humming. I stared at him slack-jawed, trying to figure out what to do, and recognizing the song 'Drink with Me' from _Les Mis_ , still in tune and still in rhythm.

I don't think I have any other choice.

I have no idea where Nagito lives, so I drove back to campus. He was quiet during the drive, except for the occasional humming of various showtunes. We pulled into my dorm hall's parking lot, and that's when Nagito opened his eyes. "This isn't my house," he muttered, still smiling

"No, this is— this is where I live."

He held my hand again through this parking lot, latching onto my arm and leaning his head on my shoulder, slowly falling into me. I had to really force us to walk in a straight line under the street lights.

We made it inside and I swiped in, and felt blush creep to my face as I faced the check-in attendant to register Nagito as a guest. I didn't want to bother attempting to find his student ID, so this just seemed like the easier option.

I brought him to the elevator, and he clung to me the entire expedition to my hall on the ninth floor. Feeling him touching me so willingly and openly made me skittish. Like, I've wanted him for so long and he's touching me and holding me, but it would be so wrong for me to show any reciprocation right now. And besides, I can't use this as any leverage of his feelings. Alcohol doesn't always equal honesty.

When we reached my door, I looked for my key, and Nagito coyly asked "Aren't you gonna kiss me goodnight?"

"Wha—?" I sighed, erasing any sort of fantasy from my brain, "No, you're staying the night," I told him, firmly

I turned the key in the tumbler but sharply paused when I felt Nagito's breath on my ear. His voice reverberated in me as he asked, in the sexiest way a drunk could, "Oh, is that so?"

My hand tensed around the doorknob as I forced myself to open the door, "That's n-not what I meant. You're sleeping here. That's all."

He was laughing, almost maniacally, as I pulled him into my tiny single dorm. The door closed behind us— automatically locking— as I took hold of his arms and pushed him to sit on the edge of my bed. "Please, just stay here," I requested with a frustrated sigh

"Whatever you'd like, Hajime," His words were officially slurred as he slowly rolled his jacket off his shoulders, like he was putting on a show for me, "I'll do whatever you'd like."

I swallowed and quickly turned away when I saw him lick his lips. "Stop that," I mumbled, clenching my fists to try and focus my energy elsewhere

I ignored his drunken advances and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the floor and shut myself in the bathroom. "Fuck," I exhaled, pressing my hands onto the vanity, staring into the sink

I picked my head up and looked at myself in the mirror. "What else were you supposed to do?" I whispered to my reflection, trying to justify my actions, "You couldn't just call Rantaro and ask him to go back out to pick him up; you don't even have Rantaro's number. There's no way you would've let Nagito get behind the wheel. Uber? God, how would that have worked when you don't know where he lives and his mind is basically mashed potatoes?"

My head moved down toward the sink as I buried my hands in my head and groaned. I dragged my fingers down my face, manipulating my features with chagrin. I took a few deep breaths, then changed into the sweatpants and brushed my teeth. Sleeping on my rug isn't going to be that bad, right?

Let's just get this night over with.

But I wasn't expecting to see him sitting on my bed, hugging his knees and trembling. I dropped the jeans I changed out of and rushed to his side, sitting with my legs over the edge of my bed. "Hey, hey, are you okay? What's wrong?" I tried my best to sound soothing and calm

I didn't realize I put a hand on his arm until I started brushing my fingers across his skin. "I... I just..." he was having trouble getting words out. It was like they were all trapped in his throat, "I was alone. And... and I... got... scared. I'm sorry—"

"Hey, it's alright; I was in the next room," I kept my voice soft, trying to understand what happened but not make the situation worse.

"I just... can you sit with me?"

His eyes were watering. I didn't have time to ask questions. I couldn't with a good conscience. "Yeah, yeah, no problem."

He shifted on the bed, moving practically against the wall and I swung my legs up to sit next to him. It's a twin bed. There's barely enough room for one person. We were close. And when I settled in, his hair fell onto my shoulder and I could feel his shuddering breaths as he nestled into me. I couldn't help but wrap my arm around him. My hand slowly swept across his arm, trying to provide some sort of comfort. "You're okay, everything's okay," I murmured, feeling his hair against my face, "You don't need to say anything if you don't want to."

Nagito spoke quickly and quietly, choking on his words, "Sometimes if I'm alone for too long or all of a sudden I start thinking about being abandoned and all the reasons people abandon me and how I deserve to be alone and—"

"Nagito," I felt tears seep into my shirt. It took me a bit to figure out what to say, but I settled on "You're not alone tonight, okay?"

He finally looked at me again. My heart sank seeing him so distressed. My chest felt heavy. "Stay with me?" He practically pleaded

"Are you sure? I was gonna just sleep on the floor—"

"No, please," he clung to me again. I'd say he trapped me in his arms if I didn't sort of mind, which felt wrong in itself. He clearly needs someone right now, and that just happens to be me, circumstantially, "Please, Hajime."

I took a deep breath, trying to relax. "I'm not going anywhere."


	8. Saturday, Week 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of sexual assault

The sun beat down on my face from the window across the room, waking me up.

He's still here.

His arms are around me and his chest is against my back. His legs are entangled with mine. I couldn't see him, but I felt him. I can feel him.

He's the kind of warm you feel after coming back inside from playing in the snow as a kid. You're helped out of the cold, wet coat and snow pants and gloves and socks and you get a dry sweater, wrap yourself up in a blanket, and sit on the couch by the fireplace watching your favorite cartoon.

I took a deep breath and brought my hands to his, not even considering the possibility of waking him up. I feel him, but I need to cherish it. He was drunk last night; will I ever get this opportunity again? Alcohol doesn't always equal honesty.

The sounds of other students in the dorm hall and the city below accompanied our breathing. What time even is it? I craned over the edge of my bed, realizing just how impressive it was that we were able to fall asleep in a twin bed without me falling on the floor overnight, and looked for my phone. I found it beside Nagito's jacket. The screen had notifications illuminated on it. I normally didn't have a wall to sort through, so I furrowed my brow as I carefully stretched to grab my phone and see what I missed.

A few texts from a number I didn't recognize, a few texts from Chiaki, and a missed FaceTime from Chiaki. I finally got a look at the time, too. It was past noon. Shit, I don't normally sleep in THIS late; no wonder Chiaki was worried. I checked up on her first.

Sorry, Chiaki, I don't have time to explain right now.

Next, I checked the messages from the number I didn't have in my contacts.

Shit, yeah, I can see how he'd be concerned. As far as I know, Rantaro's his closest friend. I should call him. But I can't call him while Nagito is essentially laying on top of me.

I have never gotten out of bed more cautiously before in my entire life. Gingerly, I took Nagito's hands off my waist. I felt like the physical embodiment of watching grass grow as I slid my legs out from under him. I was holding my breath the entire time to make sure I didn't wake him up.

And even though I wasn't sure how Nagito would interpret last night, I wished I could've been in his arms when he woke up. It's selfish of me, and I'm definitely projecting a fantasy, but thinking about being the first thing he sees in the morning makes me fucking melt.

I sighed, looking at him appearing so content, sleeping in my bed. I smiled like a marshmallow being pressed into a s'more on a summer night by a campfire.

But I needed to call Rantaro. I put myself as far in the opposite corner of the room as I could, leaning against the window frame and watching the tiny people go by as I waited for him to pick up.

"H-hey, it's Hajime," I still needed to speak quietly, since Nagito was basically five feet away

"Hey, thanks for calling me back, man," Rantaro replied, "I'm sorry to bother you, it's just that I get worried when Nagito doesn't reply or pick up after I know he's been drinking."

I worried about the implications of what he just said. But that's not the point of this call. "Yeah, he—" I paused for a split second. Do I trust Rantaro enough to reveal my feelings for his friend if I needed to in this situation? "He's with me. He's still asleep."

"Oh, thank god," Rantaro sounded genuinely relieved, "He's in good hands, thank god."

"Hey, Rantaro... when you say you get worried... do you mind me asking why?" Fuck, my curiosity always gets the better of me.

I heard Rantaro sigh before he continued, "I uh... I've had to drive to his house to help him out a few times," He was speaking slower, like he was choosing his words carefully, "I've... seen him in a bad place more than once. It's personal shit so like, if he wants to tell you about it, he will... pretty sure he doesn't really talk about it."

"Alright, I won't press about it," But god damn, I got anxious thinking about what that meant, "I'm gonna drive him back to his car once he's ready."

"He's somehow lucky enough to have never gotten a hangover before, so he should be good to go pretty quick," Rantaro added, "You mind keeping me updated? If it's not too much trouble."

"Yeah, man, that's no problem."

"Thanks, Hajime. You're a hell of a guy."

I chuckled, kind of embarrassed. I'm not great at taking compliments. I sheepishly thanked him and we said our goodbyes before hanging up.

"So who were you shit-talking me to?"

I briskly turned over my shoulder and saw Nagito sitting up in my bed, looking... disappointed. How long has he been awake? "Th-that was Rantaro. We weren't talking shit; he was worried about you."

He sighed and sat over the edge of the mattress, "You don't have to lie to me to save my feelings," I was confused. He thinks I'd lie to him about that? He continued, "I can just Walk of Shame out of here and catch an Uber—"

"Wait, wait, wait: Walk of Shame? What are you talking about?"

"Why else would I be here?" Nagito asked it so nonchalantly, as if that would help me know exactly what he was referring to, "I'll see myself out, and you don't have to talk to me anymore—"

I stepped closer, trying to stop him from leaving. There's a misunderstanding here, but I don't even know what it is. "Nagito, why would I not want to talk to you anymore?"

"You got what you wanted from me, right? Last night? I know I had a lot to drink so..."

It suddenly clicked in my mind. "Yeah, and I didn't have a lot to drink. So nothing happened."

"That hasn't stopped guys before."

I froze. "Nagito... has that happened to you before?" He didn't say anything. He shrugged and then started fidgeting with his fingers folded in his lap. I slowly stepped even closer, "That... that's assault. Have you... been hurt like that before?"

"Why do you care?"

"Human decency? I dunno; why does any human care about anyone or anything?"

Except I did know why I care. And it was all self-centered. "No: why me? Why do you care about ME? No one cares about me; I'm a human punching bag. A waste of space. A one-night stand for strangers I'll never see again because I'm not worth anything more and I just let it happen."

I couldn't just stand by like an idiot, letting him throw those words around. I sat next to him so our legs would touch and hesitantly reached for his hand as I spoke. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere," His head fell toward his lap and he started squeezing the life out of my hands. He's trembling again, "I want to keep talking to you. I want to keep seeing you. I want you to feel okay."

His words trembled just as much as his body, "You're just saying that—"

"Hey, look at me," he let me see his tear-streaked face, "I swear, I'm not just saying that. I mean it."

His hands were relaxing their grip. It was getting difficult for me to look like the brave one. Whether he knew it or not, he's told me so much in the past 24 hours, and after talking with Rantaro a few moments ago, I feel like there's more Nagito may tell me someday, if he's ever ready to.

He was still looking at me. I want to kiss him. He's right there and he's holding my hands and he's still so beautiful; so incredibly beautiful... but I can't. Not now. Kissing him now would almost be as bad as trying to kiss him while drunk. Besides, would he even want to kiss me? He was so suggestive last night and so physical, but... Alcohol doesn't always equal honesty.

We sat together in silence for a few moments before my phone vibrated in my pocket. And Nagito chuckled. A wave of relief washed over me knowing he was smiling. I quickly checked what the new notification was: it's another message from Chiaki. She deserves an explanation at some point, but I can't just leave Nagito—

"I'm ready to go home if that's okay."

"Oh, yeah, sure. You want anything before—?"

"No, it's fine. You don't need to do anything for me like that. I'll be okay."

I was having trouble believing that, but I desperately tried to convince myself it was true.


	9. Rehearsals - Wednesday, Week 4

I sat down in my chair in the Stage Management Office and opened my script with a sigh. We're over halfway through the rehearsal period now. The entire show is choreographed and blocked. We're just doing runs now, and letting all the tech elements fall into place. Which means my workload is starting to increase drastically.

Today's task before rehearsals: get Chiaki and Chihiro their notes. Before they come in for Tech Week two weeks from now, they need to have a general idea of when lighting cues come in, what imagery or feeling Obi is looking for, and when certain sounds need to play. They'll get an even better understanding of this at the Design Run on Friday.

There's a lot on the agenda for the next few days. I was skipping my classes today so I could write cues, our first rehearsal in the actual theater is tonight... and we start the night off tomorrow with the Costume Parade.

Costume Parade is a favorite day among actors, in my experience. They get to try on costumes for the first time and try performing in them. Characters suddenly become more real once you start dressing the way they would. And honestly, bravo to Gundham for getting so much done in four weeks.

"Well, time to get started," I said to no one, opening up a word document and beginning to type.

I got about halfway through the opening number when there was a knock on the door. Maki walked in with a breakfast sandwich in hand. "Hey," was all she said.

"Hey; everything good?" Maki didn't really need to be in here. It's not like I don't enjoy her company or anything, but I was just curious if something else was going on. There are plenty of people to hang out with outside.

"Is there something wrong with me eating in here?" Oh, she's getting defensive. Something's probably going on.

"No, no, that's not it," I tried to calm her down, "Just know that I'm gonna be here a while, so I can talk if you want."

Maki sighed. She looked like she was debating whether or not to open her mouth. After a few moments of silence, I went back to typing, assuming Maki was just going to eat.

"I feel like I have to avoid him."

I turned my attention back to her. "Avoid?"

"He's just always in the Hangout Hallway and suddenly I'm worried about looking stupid in front of him or letting someone know I... I l-liiiike him."

She said the phrase 'I like him' like it was a bitter pill she needed to swallow. "Kaito?" I asked, feeling pretty confident that was who she was talking about.

"Hey, keep your voice down," she aggressively whispered

"Maki, he's on the other side of a closed door," I replied, trying not to laugh

"Yeah, but he could've walked by when you said that."

I brought my hands up in playful defense, "Alright, alright, I'll be more careful."

"I just... I don't know what to do or how to act. I look at him and I forget how to speak and that makes me feel weird and he's really smart so I don't want him to think _I'm_ not smart—"

"Wait, we are talking about the same Kai—"

Maki's eyebrows shot up and her stare punctured me like a blow dart. "Right, sorry."

"But yeah, he's been texting me—"

"Hey, that's good!"

"Y-yeah, sure," I let Maki continue after cutting her off, suddenly feeling like an ass, "But he knows a lot about space. Like the planets and cosmos and stuff. He called me at like midnight on Saturday to explain his opinions on the ethics of colonizing Mars because it 'would be faster than texting'," I watched as Maki's face started to glow when she talked about him. I don't think she realized how much she was smiling, "And then we just... talked."

"Maki, it sounds like he at least wants to get to know you," I offered

"I just hate that he's consuming like, all of my thoughts. Like, I don't want him to... I dunno, win?"

I looked her square in the eye, and told her with a deadpan face, "Maki, when you like someone you kind of think about them all the time. That's just how it works. Trust me. I'd know."

Maki slumped into her chair and angrily took a bite of her sandwich, avoiding looking at me. But I wasn't done yet, "Just keep talking to him. It gets easier the more you do it."

Maki sat with me for a bit while she ate breakfast, and we ended up talking about the week's upcoming rehearsals more than anything.

I got about another half an hour's worth of work done once she left. I turned on a podcast, as I like to do when I'm working, and savored the solitude.

Until I got another knock on the door.

"Door's open!" I called out

I turned over my shoulder to see Mondo walking in. "Hey man, the second floor and spiral staircase: do you need them for the Design Run?"

"It'd be nice," I said, "But we can work around not having them if they won't be ready."

"The second floor should be done by then," Mondo stepped further in the room, "It's the staircase that I'm worried about. We're welding it from scratch and Miu and Kazuichi are our best welders; they're busy with props, too."

"Yeah, I get it. No rush, though! It just needs to be done by Tech Week. We'd like to have it sooner, of course, but don't rush!"

"Of course I won't fucking rush," Mondo laughed, "that shit's gotta be safe."

"Yeah, for sure," I agreed, laughing with him.

He walked over and clasped a hand on my shoulder, and started talking quietly, "By the way, man, thanks for the pep talk the other day. I cooked him dinner Sunday night and we're spending time with the dogs at the shelter this weekend. I dunno how you knew it would work out, but you were totally right."

"Oh, awesome, that's great to hear," I was genuinely glad to hear that Mondo and Taka started going on dates.

"Just, uh, keep it on the down-low," Mondo added before heading out, "We're still like, just getting Whatever This Is going, ya know?"

I let him know it was no problem and he closed the door on his way out, leaving me alone to work once again.

* * *

I started feeling my head get heavy and my eyes start to strain when I heard another knock on the door about an hour later. "Door's open," I weakly called out

I didn't even look to see who it was. My eyes were glued to the computer screen. I had just a few more songs and scenes left in Act One. I was determined to get this done. "Hey, Hajime... can I talk with you for a bit?"

It was Rantaro's voice. Alright, time to take another break, huh? I swiveled my chair around to face him. "Yeah, of course," I said, offering him a chair

He sat down and sighed, slumping his shoulders and neck over. "Everything okay?" I asked

He picked his head up and looked me in the eye. "Nagito's important to you, right?"

Well, if Rantaro didn't know about my feelings before, he's bound to know now. "Yeah."

Rantaro chuckled under his breath, "That was kind of a stupid question, huh? You wouldn't have done what you did last weekend and kept me updated if you didn't care about him."

I laughed with him, feeling heat creep to my face. "I mean, any decent person would've helped him out somehow, yeah?"

"Well, I'm glad you're a decent person, Hajime," he took a breath before continuing, "I'm... normally the one who... keeps an eye on him. I think you picked up on that?"

I nodded yes, curious where he was going, but allowing him time to talk. "I'm glad it was you. He talks about you constantly; you know that?"

"I... I didn't."

He talks about me?

Rantaro laughed again, "Wait: you haven't caught on to his incredibly obvious flirting?"

"Hah, uh," getting confirmation was so fucking validating, but, "I think I just kept telling myself it was something else? Like I didn't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed, you know?"

"Oh, I get that," Rantaro replied. The air was much lighter now, "But trust me— I know from experience— Nagito is one of the most direct people—"

"Wait, 'from experience'?"

"We were a Thing briefly; did you not know that?"

"Really? When was that?"

"Like, the first month of freshman year," OH that's when Chiaki and I were a Thing; no wonder I missed that. He continued, "How could I resist, right? He's hot and we have similar interests, and we were 18 and horny."

He was smiling as if he were reminiscing. "Rantaro, you don't still—?"

"Oh god no," he replied immediately, "we're way better off as friends."

Oh thank god. If Rantaro was still attracted to him and that's why he's helping him so much, that would've made things complicated. I think he noticed my sigh of relief because he kept laughing. His laughter was contagious— I was joining in, "Chiaki and I had the exact same thing happen at like the exact same time, and now she's my best friend."

"Yeah, you get it," Rantaro affirmed, "He's really hot, right?"

"God, yeah," I sighed

Talking with Rantaro so candidly about this felt incredibly freeing. The only other person I've gushed to about Nagito is Chiaki, and I'm sure she's sick of my shit more often than not.

"So I just..." Rantaro went back to choosing his words carefully, "I wanna make sure you don't think it's your responsibility to 'fix him'. I don't want you to try to be with him if you think he's a project for you to take on. He has a lot of problems and bad habits but that's not your responsibility; it's nobody's responsibility except his own. I've been trying to get him to work on himself, but he just doesn't seem to care enough."

"I never saw him as a project. He's a person—"

"Hey, I'm glad," Rantaro seemed to need to explain more, "But I've been advocating for him to see a professional for a while now. And I just don't think he thinks he's worthy of that? I see a therapist bi-weekly and it's done wonders for me; I can only imagine how much it'll help Nagito. He needs to learn better coping mechanisms."

"Yeah. Yeah, I think that would be good." That was all I could say. Based on what Nagito has revealed to me, Rantaro is absolutely correct.

"So, I was thinking about getting him a cat."

Wait what? My face read my confusion, so Rantaro continued, "If he has something to care for, he may develop some sort of purpose, is my thinking. Probably gonna wait until _Cabaret_ is over, but, like... I think this could really help. Have you ever been to his house? He lives in a four-bedroom house by himself. It's honestly kind of sad."

I knew Nagito was a (remarkably young) homeowner, but FOUR bedrooms? Alone? That sounds incredibly isolating. "You guys are so close, I figured you'd live together—?"

"Oh, I've offered! I've offered to move in multiple times, but he always refuses. I obviously can't just force myself into his home, but trust me: I've tried."

Then he changed the subject, "So anyway, yeah, I don't want you to feel any pressure, but if you could pepper in suggestions for therapy every so often?"

I felt shaky all of a sudden as I replied, "Yeah. Yeah, I could do that."

Rantaro's phone buzzed and when he looked at its screen, he said, "Ah, speak of the devil. I'm gonna go grab lunch with him; do you wanna come with?"

I gestured over to the computer and said "I'm really itching to get Chiaki and Chihiro the cues for at least Act One by the end of the day today, sorry."

He got up and started toward the door. "Don't work yourself too hard, man. Thanks for listening."

About an hour later, I finally typed 'Lights up' for the start of Act Two. I groaned, slammed my head against my folded arms on the desk, and raised a fist in the air in triumph. "Finally! Fuck!" was muffled into my arm

As I sat up, I had to catch myself on the edge of the desk. My head was spinning and I couldn't see directly in front of me anymore. I barely heard the knock on the door. "Uh, it's open," I managed to call out, putting my hand to my forehead to try and settle down

"Hey, Hajime."

Nagito. Fuck. My thoughts about my appearance and demeanor swam around in my unsteady head as I quickly turned the chair around to face him. That was a mistake. My eyes grew wide and I lurched over, grasping my knees because I felt like I was going to fall out of the chair. "Hey, what's up?" I choked out, staring at the floor to try to regain my balance

I heard him step closer. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I probably just need some water or something."

I slowly picked my head up to look at him with a forced smile. He doesn't need to worry about me. But it was too late; he had worry written all over his face. "You've been in here since nine o'clock, and you haven't left once," he told me

I slowly nodded my head in agreement, and he added, "Figured you'd need this."

He held out a plastic bag from the dining hall in front of me. "No take-backs," he said with a smile, placing it in my lap before leaving the office.

"Th-thank you," I tried to call out, but he had already closed the door.

When I opened the bag, I saw the unmistakable shape of a sandwich container. I— very slowly— spun back to the desk, put the container on it, and popped open its lid. It's a teriyaki chicken sandwich. He got me my usual.


	10. Rehearsals - Thursday, Week 4

I did at least remember to grab dinner before rehearsals tonight. I didn't want to be passing out on the job, and Mikan would be in tears, insisting she go get me something anyway. I especially didn't want a repeat of yesterday—embarrassing myself in front of Nagito like that, just because of my own poor habits.

Walking into the theater for rehearsals felt liberating. Knowing in just a few weeks, the cast will be performing for audiences, filling up the now-empty auditorium seats brought on a sense of second-hand pride. I see how hard they work five days a week. I'm excited for them.

Gundham arrived as Mikan, Maki, and I settled into our table at the front of the house to finish eating. "Good evening," He greeted us with the sounds of a ring of keys jingling beside him

We all said our hellos as he approached. "How'd you like to handle this?" I asked, covering my mouth full of chicken tenders being chewed

"When the actors arrive, just tell them to come to the costume shop straight away. Be sure to inform them that I will be taking notes and questions DURING the parade. I'd rather they not approach me BEFORE the parade unless it's a dire emergency."

I gave a thumbs-up to indicate I understood, and Gundham headed backstage with a flourish.

"I'm so excited to see what he's come up with," Mikan chirped with a bright smile

"I bet there are a few costumes in particular that Hajime's looking forward to," Maki playfully jabbed, elbowing my arm

"Yeah, I can say the same thing about you," I jabbed back, mimicking her movements

"Oh, which ones?" Mikan asked with such naivety

"Don't worry about it," Maki and I replied simultaneously, looking at each other afterward and repressing laughter

As actors arrived in the theater, they set their stuff down in the chairs as one of us-- typically Mikan, surprisingly-- gave the announcement about going to the costume shop. Ever since she gave her speech about mental health and self-care, she's been much more willing to speak up.

Everyone was early today, too. I could tell they were all excited to try on their costumes, even Junko and Byakuya.

Obi arrived last, as he typically does, and let us know the order of operations for today. Actors with little to no costume changes would come out in between the actors who have multiple costume changes. We'd be seeing Ayane, for example, far more than anyone else, but Byakuya we'd see just once. We had a microphone attached to our table that projected us backstage, and when it was time, I gave the first request. "We'd like everyone in the Kit Kat Club for 'Wilkommen' to come out in their costume for that number. Please remain backstage until we call your character's name."

After Gundham joined us in the house and had his notebook and pen ready, I spoke into the microphone "Can we have The Emcee and Sally come out first?"

They had linked arms as they entered from the wings, looked at each other, grinned, and said in unison "We're gay!" with dramatic flair and over-exaggerated gestures

Obi chuckled as we heard laughter from backstage. I was laughing too, I gotta admit. "We're gonna be getting a lot of that tonight, aren't we?" Obi asked in amusement

"Yeah, probably," I replied, shaking my head, grinning

Rantaro and Ayane revealed their outfits and posed, clearly feeling good. And uh... yeah, Ayane looked fantastic, but my eyes were stuck on Rantaro. All he had on were shoes, cuffed trousers, suspenders, and a bow tie. I really am a disaster, aren't I? I see one pretty boy without a shirt and my brain starts making cartoon foghorn sound effects. Why is everyone in our department hot?

After discussing Rantaro and Ayane's costumes with Gundham, Obi asked the rest of the Kit Kat Dancers to join them on stage. Kaito was one of the first ones out and I caught a glance at Maki, who visibly swallowed, and averted her eyes. His pecs and abs were being teased beneath an open vest and a slim necktie. He was also more physically attractive than I imagined, to be fair. But seeing Maki clearly trying to keep her composure made me feel so damn pompous.

Practically all the girls had on some form of lingerie and thigh-high socks. Sonia in particular was a fair reminder of my bisexuality. She didn't normally wear form-fitting clothes, and being able to see her figure started to make me sweat. During costume discussion, I could tell Gundham was trying to move past Sonia pretty quickly, hiding his face in the scarf he wore. Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking about her in that light.

Last in line was Nagito. I was trying so damn hard not to look but I absolutely had to. He's impossible to resist. And he stood confidently stage left with his hands on his waist, his weight on one leg, and his chest forward— his chest that was accentuated by the corset he wore. He explicitly said he was getting a corset, so why didn't I prepare myself for the sight? I could see his collarbones and shoulders... he's hot. He's hot and he knows it right now. And he's looking directly at me. Fuck. Fuck: did he just bite his lip? No, that's my imagination—

"Nagito!" Obi called out from behind me

"Yeah?"

"Pull your hair back, will ya?"

"Yeah, uh, anyone got—?"

"Here!" Sayaka reached across a few folks to hand Nagito a hair tie

He thanked her and I pursed my lips as the muscles in his lean arms flexed when he tied his hair back. "That's your hair for the show. Keep it out of your damn face," Obi said with a thumbs-up

"You gonna write that down?" Maki whispered to me, "I could probably write it for you. 'Nagito's character hair: up and out of his sexy face.'"

"Well I could probably write costume notes for YOU," I whispered back, "Buy oil to make Kaito's chest glisten.' Or is that a note for your personal shopping list so you can see his chest like that in your bedr— OW!"

She punched me. She punched me in the fucking arm. "Okay, too far, got it," I said, hoarsely

I rubbed my arm where it was punched, worried it would be bruised tomorrow, and brought my attention back to the actors on stage. Nagito was looking at me with concern, but when he noticed I was looking at him again, he started showing off. He turned his body slowly at different angles, displaying the various ways the costume flattered him. I don't think anyone else noticed he was doing it. I looked around and no one seemed to see that something was going on.

He's doing this for me, isn't he. Rantaro told me yesterday afternoon that Nagito's into me. There's no other explanation. So... there's no harm in gawking a bit, right?

While the rest of the cast stood patiently, awaiting instruction in a straight line, Nagito was on the end, carefully putting on a show. It wasn't my imagination: he's licking his lips, winking, biting his lower lip, batting his eyes... all with a tempting smile.

I could feel my palms start to sweat and my body heat up. "Hajime?" Mikan's meek voice whispered beside me, "Are you alright?"

"I... just need some air. Can you take over for a bit?"

"Oh, sure—"

I didn't get to hear the rest of her sentence. I was already getting out of my chair and making a bee-line for the auditorium doors at the back of the house. I continued the bee-line toward the lobby bathrooms and collapsed onto the counter of sinks when I finally got there. I didn't realize how much I needed to catch my breath until I was keeled over. I looked up and faced my reflection, embarrassed at the obvious blush on my face. Maybe the shitty house lighting hid it? I could only hope so. "God, I'm pathetic." I muttered to the mirror

Is it pathetic to want someone? Probably not, right? Like, it's an issue if they're distracting you from your work, but... I really like him. I'm allowed to be attracted to someone. I'm allowed to want him.

_Bzzzt bzzzt_

I didn't realize I had my phone on me. I checked the notification. Nagito. He must've been dismissed from the lineup. And then my anxiety started revving like a car without a muffler. Did he think I sped out of the theater because of him? Well, I technically did, but what if he thinks it _isn't_ because he's too hot for me to handle? What if he thinks I'm disgusted by him? By his body? God no fuck shit— okay, just check the message.

Well, that didn't help the anxiety. He said he's not mad, but why else would he ask that? Especially in that specific phrasing?

I tried not to think too much about it during the rest of the costume parade, and during the run of the show. It was a bit easier than I expected since I had my face in my script, waiting to provide lines for anyone who needed them.

* * *

Well, I sent out the rehearsal report and sighed, alone in the theater. Time for my _favorite_ thing: a potential confrontation.

Once I packed up my bag, left the space, turned off the lights, and locked the door— Maki and Mikan locked all but the one that connects the theater to the lobby— I saw him standing against the wall by the bathroom I fled to just a few hours ago. "Hey," I called to him, a bit more shy than I had hoped to sound

He smiled at me. It's that same smile that makes my heart feel like lava. "How was it tonight?" He asked as I walked toward him

"The run?" I'm pretty sure that's what he asked about, "You guys did well. The dances are looking really sharp."

"Hey, that's good," he tilted his head as his smile grew, "They're definitely a workout."

He was still glowing with beads of sweat, even though the last songs in Act Two aren't particularly dance-y. God, I described sweat as a glow on him. I think I'm in deep.

"So, uh, what did you wanna talk about?" We started walking out of the building, toward the parking garage

"Alright, well, you have absolutely no reason to," he started, chuckling through his words, "But would you want to come to my place for dinner this weekend?"

Yes. Yes absolutely yes. Holy shit yes. This is a date. There's no way around it: he just asked me out. "Oh, sure," I tried to play it cool

"Oh," he was still laughing, "I figured you would say 'no'. You really want to spend time with someone like me?"

"Yeah. I do," I was smiling at him as we walked, but I felt... a twinge of guilt? "I like spending time with you."

"I have no idea why—"

"You're really easy to talk to. And you're fun."

He softly laughed again, "You're just saying that; I know that's not true."

"Hey, keep up this self-deprecation and I'm gonna get dinner with Chiaki this weekend instead," I joked, "And that'll suck more than getting something home-cooked. We _only_ get takeout."

We'd reached his car in the garage. We were standing close. When did that happen? I suddenly wanted to kiss him again. I was close enough, I definitely could just lean in and do it. "I'll let you get back home," Nagito said, unlocking his car, "Come by Saturday? Around 6?"

"Yeah, yeah that sounds good."

"Great. Goodnight, Hajime."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I drew the Kit Kat Club ensemble in their costumes :)  
> Look look look on my tumblr (also catgrump)


	11. Saturday, Week 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for brief mentions of self-harm and s*icidal thoughts

"I feel like I'm going to throw up."

"Hajime, you're going to be fine," Chiaki insisted on the other side of the phone, "You're clean, you look good, and HE'S the one who invited YOU. Remember?"

"Yeah—"

"—AND," Chiaki had more to say, apparently, "I was with you guys and the rest of the group last night! I felt Gay God in that Chili's seeing how he was acting around you! He couldn't keep his hands off you!"

And he was sober. He only had one drink, so he was able to drive himself home.

"I thought you were too busy drooling over Sonia and Kaede and Tenko and Sayaka and—" I started messing with her to try and lighten my spirits

"Hey, shut up," she scolded me, but I could tell she was smiling, "It's not my fault the cast is full of cute girls."

"Just wait 'til you see them in costume. I've gotten a lot of practice with self-discipline lately," I joked

"That's just a Guy Thing, I think," she said, "Like the dress codes in schools being for 'the boys' benefit so they can focus on learning'."

We were both laughing now. I am so grateful for Chiaki. I don't know who else I'd turn to when my anxiety is so bad that I feel like I'm going to be sick. Ten minutes ago, I was trembling and pacing my room and pulling my hair, and now I'm grabbing my keys and laughing. I kept talking with her during my elevator ride to the first floor and as I walked to my car, finally letting her know I was ready to go once I turned my key in the ignition. "You need to tell me everything, okay?" She said

"You know I'd never leave you in the dark," I told her

We said our goodbyes and I put the address Nagito sent me into my phone's GPS. It's about 15 minutes from campus. Oh, I might be early. Shit. I didn't plan for that. My fingers started tapping on the steering wheel as I pulled out of my parking spot. I'm sure I'll think of something.

His house is in a residential area with street parking, so I ended up finding a spot about a block away and I just... sat in the car for ten minutes, listening to an old episode of a comforting podcast while I anxiously watched the clock, waiting for it to be exactly six o'clock to text him to let him know I parked.

I followed the GPS a little further once I was on foot to make sure I was approaching the correct house. When the GPS called out 'arrived', I looked up to see a charming, small brick house that had been painted white. The windows had blue shutters and there was a matching awning over the front door. There was just a straight concrete path leading to the front steps from the sidewalk, and the lawn was practically barren, except for a few bushes framing the basement windows. I didn't know what to expect when I imagined 'Nagito's House' but for some reason, this wasn't it. The other homes surrounding it kept the russet color of the bricks, had more landscaping and weren't as... symmetrical. His house stood out. He didn't seem like the kind of person who'd want his house to stand out.

I walked the straight concrete path and up the concrete stairs to knock on the door. I heard music coming from inside. Was that... was that _American Idiot_? Yeah, I know this song; it's fucking '21 Guns'. I chuckled. How edgy of him.

The volume turned down and I heard footsteps approach the door. I instantly smiled when he opened it. There he was, dressed in all black, his hair half pulled back, smiling back at me. And I felt like I was going to throw up again.

"I'm surprised you actually came by," He said, gesturing for me to enter the house

"I'm not the kind of guy to stand someone up," I replied, continuing to look at him as I walked past the stairs into the living room.

My senses were conflicted as I let myself look around. First of all, I wasn't expecting the house to have a second floor just by looking at it from the outside. Second, I wasn't expecting the smell of whatever he was cooking to overwhelm me so much. Even through the anxiety of being Alone With The Guy I Like in His House, the aroma of various seasonings and spices was incredibly tantalizing. Finally, I wasn't expecting the house to feel so... empty. All the walls were this light gray color with white trim. Besides the stairs, the light walnut wood floor seemed to go on endlessly, with no breaks for a rug. The furniture was very... basic— for lack of a better word. The living room had a couch, a chair, a coffee table, and a television. That's it. Beyond the living room was a semblance of a dining room: a table with just four chairs surrounding it. All the furniture was either black or white, with the exception of the couch, which was that dark brown leather that half my high school friends' parents had in their living rooms. I didn't see any plants. I didn't see any art. I didn't see any photos. I didn't see any color.

"So," Nagito said, following behind me after he closed the door, "Welcome? I don't have guests very often, sorry."

So he feels a little out of place, too. I don't know if that should make me feel any better. The smells coming from the kitchen— which, as I stepped further into the house, I saw was past the dining room, around the corner— were able to guide me toward some sort of conversation starter. "Am I allowed to know what's on the menu?"

"Absolutely," he replied, guiding me to the kitchen, "I just finished up right before you knocked."

The kitchen was almost as sterile as the rest of the first floor. White cabinets and stainless steel appliances and a continuation of the wood floor. But now I could hear the subtle sounds of sizzling dying down. "Oh, dammit," Nagito muttered, then put a hand on my shoulder, "You don't have any allergies do you?"

"No, I don't have any, it's alright," I looked over my shoulder and smiled, trying to reassure him

He approached the counter, reached into a drawer, and grabbed some serving utensils as he said, "Now you think I'm just overreacting, I'm sure."

"Hey, Nagito, it's fine, I promise. You cooked a meal for crying out loud."

He crossed back with a plate of food in each hand, letting me catch a glimpse of what he was serving as he made his way to his dining room table. "Wait, wait, is that steak?"

"Steak and lobster, yeah; why?" He asked as he put the plates down in front of chairs that were next to each other

Holy shit he went all out. "It— it feels so... extravagant; I'm just surprised."

"Well, I just wanted to thank you, that's all."

We sat down as I asked "Thank me? For what?"

"For taking care of me last week. You've been really nice to me and you have absolutely no reason to, so I just thought this would at least be me doing what I can to pay a debt. I know it isn't much—"

"Nagito. This is more than enough," he cooked steak and lobster and provided potatoes and vegetables. I was grinning as I tried to let him know how much I appreciated his effort, "You really didn't have to do all this; it looks amazing."

"It's just one of those meal kit subscription things; it's no big deal—"

"But you still cooked it yourself! With your own two hands! I could never!"

"Huh, well maybe I could show you sometime."

He was smiling before, but it felt sheepish and coy. Now his smile is gentle and soft. "Hey, that actually sounds great. I would love that," I replied

He picked up his utensils and laughed under his breath, "You really don't need to keep doing this for my sake."

"Nagito," I really couldn't believe what I was hearing, "Do you honestly think I'm putting on an act?"

His smile changed again. His smile is always different when he's self-deprecating. It's tighter, and feels like a rubber band about to snap. "There's always that possibility, isn't there?"

I couldn't help but let out a laugh of my own, "That would be one hell of a long-con. Especially since I was so nervous that I felt sick before coming over. Like, I think I'm going to reach back out to my therapist about it; I haven't talked to her in a few months now—"

I heard the clang of silverware fall against a ceramic plate. "So that's what this is about. Rantaro put you up to this and now you're a part of his little crusade?"

Things were going so well and I just ruined it. I just fucking ruined it with my stupid rambling anxiety brain. Fuck. Fuck! I had to try and save this, "No, Nagito, that's not what I was trying to do; I really was fucking nervous before I left my place. I swear to god, I was just talking about myself."

He wasn't looking at me. Fuck fuck fuck come ON, Hajime, don't fuck this up. You love him; don't fuck this up.

"I can tell you literally everything I was doing before I got in my car to come over. I can even tell you which podcast episode I was listening to in my car when I got here ten minutes early. It was Episode 523 and the hosts were talking about how Dads have weird hyper-fixations on stuff they're stubborn about," God dammit, Hajime, stop rambling, he doesn't give a shit about your stupid podcast; he's gonna ask you to leave any second

"I know that one," he finally spoke. It was quiet, but he spoke again, "it's a good episode."

"Wait, you know what I'm talking about?"

"Yeah. It's a good podcast," he finally picked his head back up. He was looking at me again. My heart was a horse at a derby, running as fast as it could to reach its goal or just keep running and running and running and running and running

The conversation slowly turned back around. Thank god my Comfort Podcast is one he actually listens to, too. It took me a bit to get my appetite back, but once I actually tried everything, I regretted not shutting up and eating sooner. He really did go all out.

Once Nagito is comfortable, he's really easy to talk with. He definitely needed to convince himself that I genuinely want to talk to him, but once he was convinced, we were able to just let the conversation flow. We sat at the table with empty plates, just continuing to talk, until Nagito suddenly said, "Oh, I don't want to ruin anymore plates; let me get these real quick," and he scooped up our dishes and headed toward the kitchen sink

"Oh, you cooked; let me—" I started to offer, getting up and following him

"No, no, no; you're a guest. Don't worry about it. Make yourself comfortable, alright?"

"Hah, okay, sure. Thank you."

It's admittedly difficult to make myself comfortable in Nagito's house. Nagito has such a distinct personality and you couldn't tell that by his living space. I sat on the edge of the brown leather couch with my hands in my lap as I listened to Nagito hum over the sounds of washing dishes.

What was going to happen now? Once Nagito was done washing dishes was I just supposed to go home? The only plan was 'dinner'. Should I suggest watching a movie? Is that too in the vein of 'Netflix and Chill', and is that too forward? Would suggesting a movie be overstepping my boundaries since this isn't my house?

"So what were we talking about?" Nagito appeared with two glasses and a bottle of wine in his hands, "Do you like wine?"

"Y-yeah, I have a glass every now and again."

He sat next to me so that we were perpendicular: his body was facing me and he was leaning against the couch's back, and he poured us glasses. I suddenly had a thought, "Hey, you said earlier you 'don't want to ruin any more plates'?"

"Oh yeah, one time I was so depressed I left food crusted on plates sitting on the counter for like four days. Got ants, too. Plates became unusable and I had to call an exterminator. I don't recommend it," He was laughing as he said that, and I just... watched him, "That was like, a year and a half ago now? I think I've learned that lesson, at least, because it hasn't happened again. Rantaro calls it 'progress'."

"I mean, yeah, I'm inclined to agree with him," I took a sip of the red wine. It was sweeter than I expected, "Not slipping back into a specific destructive behavior is good. Like, I haven't hurt myself since high school."

I watched Nagito as he turned his head away and take a drink himself with an "Mhm," and thought maybe I shouldn't be so candid about my own shitty mental health right now.

"Sorry, we can talk about something else," I forced a small laugh to hide my anxiety creeping back in, "Not exactly a good First Date Conversation, huh?"

"Oh, so this _is_ a date?"

What does THAT mean?! Have I kept calling this a date to myself for so long that I never even considered the possibility that he wouldn't see it that way? How is this literally anything but? Laughter choked its way out from my chest like pulling the trigger on a water gun from the Dollar Store. "Shit, I'm sorry for being presumptuous—"

"No, that's not what I'm saying," I think I visibly shuddered when I felt his hand on my knee, because he quickly withdrew it, then put it back very delicately, "I assumed it was and I'm glad you think so, too. I didn't think you'd see it that way—"

With my heart racing like a kid on a bicycle flying down the neighborhood hill, I shifted to bring myself closer so that our legs were basically on top of each other. His arm didn't look so strained now. I could see the flecks of color in his eyes much better, too. Among a sea of dull, drab furniture in an empty house, his eyes were a lighthouse guiding me to safety. "I think I'm just as relieved as you are, honestly."

We were able to keep talking between sips of wine, never actually refilling our glasses. Sometimes, I think we forgot we even had the wine at all. His fingers traced patterns on my knee. I even gathered the courage to lace my fingers between his at one point. Time passed without us even realizing it until I caught myself yawning more often than not. I looked out the window beside the TV and saw it's gotten completely dark. "Shit, what time is it?"

Nagito put his glass down to take his phone out of his pocket, his thumb brushing across the back of my hand, "Oh, it's past 11," he said with surprise, "I don't want to keep you too long—"

"I want to stay, but—"

"I'd offer, but I don't know how you feel about staying the night—"

"Maybe another time?"

I hadn't felt myself blush at all tonight until just then. "Another time sounds great," he said, squeezing my hand ever-so-slightly, "Let me walk you back to your car."

We left the glasses behind and went out into the darkness outside, and I closed myself off when the wind picked up. It definitely got colder now that the sun went down. He took my arm and I rested my head on his shoulder as we made our way down the sidewalk. When we reached my car... we were at a standstill.

This is the worst part of every First Date That Goes Well. Waiting. Figuring out what's going on in the other person's head. We were facing each other, mirroring the other— we both kept our hands in our pockets to try and stay warm— looking at each other with some sort of expectations. "So, um," I started, "Thanks again, for dinner and all that. It was nice. The food and uh, the time. With you. The time with you was nice."

Cool: way to sound confident and smooth, Hajime. However, I could make out a smile from him even though the nearest street light was a few meters away, "I'm glad. I always seem to have a good time with you, Hajime."

"Me too. With you, I mean," God, I feel like I'm gonna throw up again.

He was still smiling, but he brought his gaze to the ground and took a breath before looking me straight in the eye. "Hey," he blinked a little slower, "Can I kiss you?"

"God, yes."

The words came out of my mouth faster than I could process how easily he just... asked. My hands moved to his face faster than my brain could comprehend that HE wants to kiss ME. His arms were around my waist and we were both instantly warm because we melted into each other.

His lips are soft and they taste like peppermint. He kisses gently, but with desire. The kisses lasted. With every change of pace, every tilt of the head, every hand holding on tighter, we savored each new sensation like it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Every time we broke away, we'd either laugh, or look each other in the eyes, and then we'd come back to each other with a bit more intensity. God, he could kiss me forever and a day; I love him.

The kisses became smaller and gentler as I tried to keep calm. There's that thought again. I barely caught it earlier, but it's unmistakable now. What does this say about me, that this is what I'm thinking? After a first kiss, no less. But I can't deny how good it feels. I can't deny how happy I feel in his arms, feeling him against me, kissing him in the moonlight. "I should let you get home," he had pulled away, but was only a few inches from my face, so I still felt his breath on my skin

I kissed him again. "I'll text you when I get back?" I asked, not wanting to let go

"Please," he smiled, and then pulled me back, just holding me.

I settled my breathing and couldn't stop smiling. My hands went to his hair, and I wanted to keep kissing him. His hair feels perfect in my fingers. He takes care of it. It's silky and smells sweet. Everything about this so far is better than I've imagined.

As he finally let go, I quickly went in for a peck on the cheek. It felt right. He seemed to think so too, because I finally felt his face heat up. I couldn't quite make it out in the darkness, but I just knew I made him blush. "Goodnight, Hajime," he took my hand and kissed my knuckles before turning around and heading back to his house

I got in my car, started it up, and waited until I couldn't see his bright hair anymore. I called Chiaki. She picked up instantly. "Hey hey, how did it go?" I could hear Minecraft music in the background, but she was eager to hear whatever I had to say.

And all I could do was scream with pure joy.


	12. Sitzprobe - Tuesday, Week 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In opera and musical theatre, a sitzprobe (from the German for seated rehearsal) is a rehearsal where the singers sing with the orchestra, focusing attention on integrating the two groups. It is often the first rehearsal where the orchestra and singers rehearse together.

"Hey, what are you two doing up there?"

I had to be a little louder in order for them to hear me. Nagito and Rantaro somehow made their way onto the catwalk. I stood underneath them— about thirty feet underneath them— as they hung out among the lights. "Door was unlocked," Rantaro shrugged

"The door was unlocked?" I said his statement back to him as a question

"We were just wandering around and saw the door was unlocked, so we decided to come up," Nagito elaborated, nonchalantly

"Well, okay, sure, but please come down before one of you hurts yourself," I was still kind of shouting, "Neither of you have understudies."

Just then, Maki's route of sweeping the stage crossed my path, and she said, loud enough for the boys to hear, "Technically _we're_ understudies if anything happens to them."

Rantaro leaned over the railing with suspicious excitement, "Oh shit, if I fall over this ledge and break my legs, Hajime would take my place? Does that mean he'd get my costume, too?"

"Oh, I wouldn't complain about that," Nagito was teasing me from forty feet in the air

Two can play at that game. "Oh yeah, sure, I bet you wouldn't complain; now get the fuck down, seriously!"

"Woah excuse me," Ayane and Junko were walking across the stage, props in their hands to set them. Ayane stopped them in their tracks, "What does THAT mean?"

I could see Rantaro and Nagito quietly laughing above me. "Don't worry about it," I tried to brush it off

Junko gasped, "Oh my god; are they fucking?"

"Not yet we aren't," I heard Nagito say, and I did my best to shoot daggers at him with my eyes. He just winked and grinned, seeming to savor my embarrassment.

"Oh my god, they're totally fucking," Junko gasped yet again

Suddenly Leon poked his head out from backstage, holding his prop pineapple, "Wait, who's fucking?"

"Jesus christ, mind your own business, both of you," Ayane laughed, containing the shock in how quick they were to be so nosy, "I'm sorry I said anything, holy shit!"

She took Junko's arm and dragged her across the stage so they could continue their original plan of getting their props in order. "Come on, man, let's get our shit together," Rantaro nudged Nagito's arm and they started to leave, Nagito waving with his fingers before he turned around

By the time Nagito made it back, trailing behind Rantaro, who was heading into the house, Nagito mouthed "I'm sorry" to me from across the stage. I flipped him off.

And now he's smirking and approaching me, so that was a mistake! He clasped a hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "I can do that if you want. Make it quick? Or are you worried you'd be too exhausted to work?"

I swallowed and forced myself to turn to him, "Hey, I think this counts as workplace harassment," I chuckled against my nerves, my imagination wandering

Why does Confident Nagito have to be so sexy? Why is it so easy for me to picture dragging him into my office, locking the door, forcing him against the wall, and ripping—

"Yeah, we can talk about that in our off-time," he was still whispering in my ear, but it was gentler now, "I'll think before speaking more."

I smiled at him, and he smiled back before joining Rantaro again. God, neither of us has asked the other to go on a second date, but he's been acting like it's inevitable. He's way more flirty than before— or maybe this is how he's always been and I just haven't noticed— and we've been sharing meals together in my office, or in the Hangout Hallway, for the past few days. It's been really nice. I probably should ask him out again, especially with my recurring intrusive thoughts of a certain weighty word whenever I look at him, but Tech Week starts this weekend. I'll be trapped in the theater all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. At least the actors start coming in on Saturday, too, so I'll still be able to see him.

What's kind of agonizing is that we're going to be stuck in the same place together all weekend, but we'll barely be able to see each other the entire time. I'm going to live in the light booth in the very back of the auditorium with Chiaki, Chihiro, and Kiibo, and all the actors will be backstage. I'll be watching the show and calling cues for days and days and days... should I ask him to eat with me during breaks? Would I even get a chance to break away from anything? Man, how is _this_ the most complicated Cue-to-Cue I've been a part of and it hasn't even started yet?

* * *

Today was the Sitzprobe, and the actors got giddier as the musicians started warming up. They all just sat on the stage— some on the floor and some on the stairs— waiting to sing through the show with the orchestra for the first time. It's another sign that opening night is quickly approaching and seeing the cast so excited made me excited, too.

I rested my head on my folded elbows on the table as the rehearsal started properly. It's gonna be an easy day now: Maki and Mikan were beside me, and we'd watch the cast sit together and sing. And I could look at him. I could just watch him sing. I could feel my lips curling into a dazed smile as I slowly blinked through my stare. He looked at me, and for maybe the first time, I didn't look away when he 'caught me'. I lifted a hand up and he did the same from the bottom of the spiral staircase. He's so pretty. He's so pretty; I love him—

There it is again. I keep thinking that. I really like him and I care about him and think about him constantly but it's too soon for me to be in love, right? I don't want to scare him away by being too attached too fast.

The sitzprobe went by smoothly. I did what I could to avoid staring at Nagito all night by trying to take notes on songs that were slower or faster than what the cast was used to. But I can't distract myself for too long, apparently. During Ayane's Act 1 solo, 'Maybe This Time', Nagito was looking at me with a smile, holding his phone, clearly texting. I mouthed 'put your fucking phone away' to him, half-joking.

He smirked, then put his phone back down. A few seconds later my own phone vibrated against my leg. I sighed and debated what to do next. And my curiosity got the better of me.

Oh shit. Maybe I am in love. I know this song well after hearing it regularly for the past month and then some. Ayane sings the song with such tenderness, too. "Maybe this time/I'll be lucky. Maybe this time he'll stay," she sang, her voice blending with the soft piano and gentle horns

I watched as Byakuya sat back in proud admiration before my eyes moved over to the man who said the song reminds him of me. He was waiting for me to look at him again. Nagito was leaned forward now, resting his head in his hands and batting his eyes. "He will hold me fast. I'll be home at last," the song continued

As I looked at the man I suddenly felt certain I was falling in love with, listening to these lyrics, I absolutely had to speak to him somehow. Professionalism flew out the window because I brought my phone out to text him back.

We see each other daily. He means he misses being alone with me, right? Because that's exactly what I miss. I miss being able to touch him and I miss his hair in my hands and I miss his lips on mine. I miss him so much, even though I get to see him every day.

I texted him I'd walk him to his car again tonight.

* * *

He waited for me as everyone else packed up to go home. As Maki and Mikan locked up, he made his way next to me, sitting beside me at the table and wrapping his arms around one of mine as I typed up tonight's very brief rehearsal report. He sighed as he leaned into my shoulder. "Hey," I smiled at him and kissed the top of his head

"Hey," he looked up at me with his gorgeous eyes, sighing again, "I love seeing you work."

I love _you_ , "I love seeing you do your work."

We sat together as I finished up and I savored his fingers brushing lazy strokes on my arm.

As we headed out, he latched on to my arm again, walking against me instead of just beside me. "So...?" He asked, playing coy

"Yeah?" I had a feeling I knew what he wanted to ask, or talk about, but messing with him is fun; what can I say?

"When's the next date, Casanova?"

I laughed, "Casanova?"

"You just swept me off my feet, so..."

He's good at making me laugh, "Well I'm flattered, but I should be saying that about you."

He was laughing now, too. "Hajime, stop; you don't need to exaggerate—"

We made it into the night's chill and I felt him hold me closer, "I'm not! Nagito, you literally wined and dined me when you absolutely didn't have to."

"It's not that big of a deal—"

I stopped our path at the bottom of the stairs that led up to the campus' Arts Building. "Hey, I don't care if you didn't think it was a big deal. It felt special to me."

I turned to face him, and just being alone with him under the stars was enough to make me want to kiss him. It was almost Pavlovian with how similar the circumstances were to the first time we kissed. So I took his hands and kissed him. He leaned into it and I felt like we were a sunrise, appearing to make the day bright and new and warm.

The headlights of a passing car stopped us like we were afraid of getting 'caught' being affectionate, but when it drove by at the speed limit as if nothing was wrong, we looked at each other and laughed, and he rested his head into the crux of my shoulder. I moved my hands so one was in his hair and another was on his waist, and his hands wrapped around me. I gently told him "I swear, I want to spend time with you, but I'm worried we're going to have to wait a little bit cuz of Tech Week. I'm really sorry."

I felt him sigh against my neck. He's a Theatre Person, so he should understand, right? I've had potential partners desert me after Tech Weeks before, but those were strangers from dating sites; they didn't Get It.

His head left my shoulder and the hand that was in his hair moved to his waist to join the other. "Well, we'll see each other all weekend, right?"

"I'll have a nice view of you," I flirted, "but if you'll wanna see me you'll have to squint really hard or bring binoculars."

"I can get binoculars—"

Wait, was he being serious? "Please don't bring binoculars, oh my god," I laughed

He wistfully sighed with a smile, "I won't, I won't. Besides, where would I keep them? I can't run the show with them around my neck."

"If Chiaki, Chihiro, and Kiibo don't mind, you can have lunch and dinner with me in the booth?" I offered

"You won't be able to leave?" He sounded a little worried

"Probably not," I answered honestly, "The team I'm with and I usually pitch in to order delivery all weekend and we just... stay on campus."

His smiling sigh returned, but the look in his eyes was different. "You work so hard," his thoughts seemed to trail off before he finished, "You're taking care of yourself, yeah?"

I flashed a smile of my own and that seemed to relieve him, "I am, I am! Chiaki is always good at keeping time so we always order the food like an hour before we plan on breaking. I'll be okay."

He closed his eyes and kissed my forehead and as he pulled back, I said "Wait, come back," moving my hands to his face and kissing his lips in return.

I could feel his smile against my lips. It feels so incredibly nice. I love him. I'm allowed to think it. No one can read my mind. I'll just have to be careful to make sure I don't say it out loud yet.


	13. Load-In - Friday, Week 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out Hajime's Vibing in the Booth Playlist on Spotify lol https://open.spotify.com/user/1211943831/playlist/2Xx3rER00K7F8LGQONkt1b?si=NNSFaGhrQLGZVc1Eqhrh4Q

"Morning, Hajime," I walked toward still-very-sleepy Chiaki wearing a hoodie and leggings sitting on a lobby bench in front of the theater doors, our Starbucks orders in hand.

As she saw me get closer she extended her hands and started making grabby motions toward the drinks. "Give give give," she meekly demanded

I rolled my eyes and handed her the cold plastic cup. She pulled it close and took a long sip from the straw, and I watched her eyes double in size as the drink entered her system. How the fuck does she handle that?

When I was ordering for us in the drive-through... I got anxious thinking about having to list it off to the employee on the other side of the speaker. However, there was a familiar voice that eased the nerves slightly. "Thanks for choosing Starbucks; what can I get ya?"

"Kazuichi?" It was definitely him. He's got a Customer Service Voice on, but it's indistinguishably him.

"Hey, Hajime! What's up, man?"

"Uh just grabbing drinks for me and Chiaki," I replied

"Yeah sorry I can't be there for the whole 10 to 10," Kazuichi said, "I'm off in like an hour so I'll get there as soon as I can."

"Yeah you have work; I get it. No big deal."

"So whatcha gettin'?"

"Yeah, I'll take a grande americano with a shot of espresso and a bit of caramel?" I mean yeah, that's what I want, but I always feel a little guilty customizing orders

"Cool, got it; anything else?"

"Yeah... get comfortable."

"Hah; what?"

If I had anxiety asking for two extra things in my personal drink, how on earth was I going to place Chiaki's order? I brought my phone off its dash holder and read the order she texted me word-for-word. It took a minute.

"That one's Chiaki's."

"What the fuck."

"Yeah, that's what I said."

And now she's drinking it with glee. I'm almost curious enough to ask to try it, but I think it has the capacity to kill me.

"I am alive now; let's start this shit," she said

I nodded and unlocked the main auditorium doors.

We were the first to arrive, greeting the dark theater by ourselves. "Shit, we should've come in through the back," I said with regret

I put in my phone's flashlight and went down the aisle that separated the left seats from the center seats and climbed the stairs that led onstage, carefully navigating backstage to find the master lights and unlock the doors that led to the Hangout Hallway.

When I opened the first Hangout Hallway door, I was surprised to see folks waiting on the benches. "Oh shit, hey guys," I said, trying to hide that my coffee hadn't kicked in yet

Ayane, Sonia, and Sayaka were sitting on the bench eating donuts straight out of the box. "Hey!" Ayane called, "The Bi Bitches House brought breakfast!"

"Does anyone know if Hina will be here today?" Sonia asked, "We wanted to get her a box of her own but we were not sure if she would attend the Load-In."

"Nah, I've got no idea," I told them honestly

"So where should we keep these?" Ayane asked

"There's a spare table backstage; that should be fine," I let them know

Every show I do, it's always interesting to see which actors go out of their way to come to Load-In to provide that extra help. I know many of the cast have jobs and some take Load-In day as a chance to catch up on schoolwork, so I get why people may not come by. It isn't required for them to attend, but it's always nice when they do.

As I settled into the booth in the back of the theater with Chiaki, still sipping her obscenely over-caffeinated concoction, waiting for the light board to warm up, more designers made their way in. Gundham quickly popped in just to let me know he was here before retreating to the costume shop. Chihiro joined us in the booth, holding a travel mug with a teabag sticking out. Mikan and Maki arrived and checked in with me for their tasks today: placing set pieces on their marks for lighting cues and being an extra set of hands whenever necessary. Miu arrived and shouted from the stage "Where the fuck is Kazuichi?!"

Chihiro had gotten our sound system running by then so I spoke into the God Mic, "He's at work. He'll get here when he gets here."

"He should've fucking called out sick! That's what I would've done," she aggressively laughed as she stomped back to the scene shop

"Doesn't Miu complain about getting fired like... all the time?" Chihiro meekly asked

"Oh absolutely," Chiaki immediately affirmed

Kiibo arrived as Chihiro got my music set up on the sound system, becoming the fourth person in the booth, and after greeting us, he started setting up his computer to get the projections loaded up.

And as the alternative pop song playing over the speakers hit its chorus, I got the first pleasant surprise of the day. Rantaro and Nagito entered through the same door I had earlier and were dancing down the aisle as they walked in, Nagito waving with his fingers as he glided down the aisle toward the front of house.

Actors typically choose what they want to do for the day based on what they're comfortable with. The typical job for them when they do choose to come is 'movable prop': just standing on stage so Chiaki, or whoever the lighting designer is, can focus the lights properly. I don't know what the girls I ran into earlier are going to want to do, but we have at least five potential 'movable props' now, which is way more than what I expected. Mikan and Maki would've been stand-ins if there weren't enough people around.

I checked the time on my phone. It was a little after 10 AM, so I spoke into the God Mic, "Hey, can we get everyone on stage please?"

It was a sparse group to start with. Five actors and a few technicians, excluding the four of us who stayed in the booth. What struck me as odd, though, was that Mondo wasn't here yet. He definitely has work left— he needs to add a banister on the second floor for the pit orchestra, and he's going to be helping Kazuichi install the Kabaret sign— he didn't say he'd be late.

I was about to make a general announcement right when, as if on cue, Mondo and Taka walked in from backstage. Together. Even from so far back, I could tell them arriving at the same time wasn't just a coincidence. Mondo's hair was down, and he was tying it back as he walked. Taka had on a black leather jacket that looked too big for him, which is quite uncharacteristic for him. "Sorry we're late, everyone!" Taka loudly announced his apology, but suddenly sounded sheepish, "We were uh... caught up in a prior engagement."

I could see folks snickering and whispering from here. Taka isn't exactly subtle, but he tries. Mondo pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose and it looked like he took a deep breath. Good for them.

"Yeah we're just about to get started," I said, addressing the group, "Mondo and Kazuichi will probably need a few hands on deck for installing the last few pieces, yeah?"

Mondo brought a thumbs up in my direction and said "you got it."

"Gundham?" I turned my attention to him now

"I do not require much assistance, and," he cleared his throat before continuing, "well, Sonia has already graciously offered."

"Great," I replied, then handed the mic off to Chihiro, "Chihiro's gonna need a bit of help, so everyone listen to them now, thanks!"

"H-hey, guys," It's kind of ironic that someone who works with microphones is so quiet, "I'm gonna be registering all the mics today, so I'll probably have every actor who's here do a mic check at some point? To get a general idea of the settings I'll need? Is that okay?"

Maki cut in and projected her monotone before anyone could object, "That's fine. And Mikan and I can help with the rest of the mics if you need us."

Mikan enthusiastically nodded in agreement before Chihiro thanked them, then quickly shoved the God Mic back to me, "Alright, and uh Chiaki and I will be cueing lights all damn day, so if we need a body, please PLEASE be available. I know it sucks but it's so helpful. And Kiibo will also be making sure his projections are cued up when needed, so be aware of the possibility of video being played. Cool?" Everyone affirmed, and I added, "We won't be starting with light cues until Kazuichi gets here since we'll need to make sure the sign is working correctly, so if you don't have a job, feel free to relax."

Everyone dispersed. Sayaka and Taka followed Mondo and Miu, Sonia and Gundham left together, Maki and Mikan went backstage, and Ayane took Rantaro and Nagito's hands and swung their arms as they walked into the house. I started the music back up. Obi put me in charge, so I can play whatever music I want.

_Bzzzt bzzzt_

I sighed. Already? Maybe it's an update from Kazuichi.

Nope, it's from Nagito; of course it's from Nagito.

I looked over the glass panel that lets us see the stage from the booth, leaning forward so I had a better view of the audience. There he is. He's looking up at me while Ayane and Rantaro talk and he was waiting for me to see him. That motherfucker waved and blew a kiss. I rolled my eyes and caught it with my right hand.

"Yo they let me out early what did I MISS!?" Kazuichi's voice suddenly rang through the theater as he darted in like a bat out of hell, still wearing the Starbucks visor.

"Oh good now we can get started, I think," Chiaki said, barely under her breath

I spoke over the God Mic again, "Hey Kazuichi, uh, we were waiting for you, so we'll get started as soon as you're good... are you alright?"

"Yeah!" He shouted, "I downed one of the drinks Chiaki ordered and I feel FAN FUCKIN TASTIC."

I heard Ayane from the audience ask "What-- did Chiaki order a cappuccino with a dash of meth?"

"Nah nah nah, five shots of espresso six pumps of chocolate extra chips extra roast and five pumps of mocha instead of three," he listed it off in one breath like it was nothing. It was kind of impressive, if not a little frightening.

"Oh he did it all wrong," Chiaki lamented, "You can't just jump to that much espresso, you need to develop a tolerance over time and just need more and more until the baristas think you're crazy. He's gonna crash and burn."

After Kazuichi settled down just a touch, the three actors who were chilling in the house went and got their wireless microphones from Chihiro, and they explained all the safety and sound quality protocols. I had to glare at Nagito a couple of times to make sure he was paying attention. Meanwhile, Mondo, Kazuichi, and their crew were getting to work installing the sign— large block letters that spelled 'KABARET' illuminated by Hollywood-style light bulbs.

"Is it on??" Kazuichi yelled after some time

Chiaki would push a button and take the God Mic from me, "No."

This went on for some time.

They did get it hooked up at about 11:15, though, which only put us _slightly_ behind schedule. It's fine everything's fine don't stress yet, Hajime.

We asked Rantaro if he could be in his place for the top of Act 1 and we finally got started.

* * *

The opening number was taking a while. It's a big showy spectacle that's seven minutes long. We were at least at the point where Ayane and Nagito had joined Rantaro on stage, and it was a little less stressful watching them dance together to the music. It's kinda cute, to be honest. Seeing Nagito so loose, having fun, singing along with friends... He's been so vulnerable in front of me and I've definitely worried about him at times, but this makes me feel so light and airy. He looks so happy.

And then the music died down a bit so Chihiro could level the mics as we worked lights. And suddenly their conversation became crystal clear.

Sound picked up on Ayane singing a parody of 'Two Ladies' while holding the hands of Nagito and Rantaro on either side of her, specifically changing the lyric "two ladies" to "two gay boys", then laughing and saying "Sorry, that's horrible and also one of you is bi; dammit."

But Nagito and Rantaro laughed along, and Rantaro said, "I mean yeah, I've been having sex with a lot more men these days so I guess you're not wrong?"

Nagito chimed in, "And where was I?" Making me choke on my own spit. Come on, Hajime, try to pay attention to the lights—

"Not invited?" Rantaro playfully jabbed, "You haven't been invited for some time now, dude! Also aren't you basically spoken for now? What the fuck are you on?"

Well, I guess I'm not paying attention to the lights anymore. "Oh my god, yeah!" Ayane added, excited, "I've been SO curious; what is going on there?"

"Going on where?" Was Nagito actually that naive? I doubt it—

"You and Hajime!" Ayane announced, now making it obvious.

And I suddenly felt a wave of nausea come over me when I heard that phrase reverb over the speakers. Fuck, they are loud. Who else can hear? "Uh, Chihiro?" I muttered, "Do they know their mics are on?"

They didn't hear me, shit. I could continue to hear their conversation, "Well, we haven't had That Conversation yet," Wait, is he talking about the 'What Are We Conversation'? God I can feel my face heating up and I buried it into my palms.

"Chihiro??" I said through gritted teeth, "Chihiro they don't know they're live!!"

"But I'm useless so I'm not good at keeping relationships for very long, so—"

Nagito didn't get to finish the thought, because Chiaki took hold of the God Mic and declared, "Hey hey, you guys are live so uh... yeah."

They all looked at each other with wide eyes and tight smiles before laughing. "Rip, dude," Chiaki said to me, putting a hand on my shoulder

"I'm sorry, Hajime!" Chihiro looked genuinely upset, but I waved a hand at them, trying to dismissively let them know they don't need to worry about it.

I slunk forward and took the God Mic back and said, "Yeah uh while Chihiro works we're gonna move to the train scene, so Maki and Mikan be on standby please, thank you," and I think the God Mic was still live as I groaned into my folded arms and collapsed forward, because I definitely heard that play back in the speakers.

After finishing the opening number's cues and setting the chairs for the train scene, Nagito ended up backstage, letting Taka on since he's actually in the scene, so it was no surprise that my phone vibrated again.

It's relieving whenever I'm able to turn him around. He insists such horrible things about himself and they absolutely aren't true. I know I'm not responsible for his feelings, but bringing him back into the light always feels nice.

* * *

We broke for lunch about an hour later, and those of us in the booth (and Nagito) were lucky enough to start eating almost as soon as our break began. After having worked on so many shows together, Chiaki and I have the timing down to a science. If we order our food about 45 minutes before our scheduled break, the food arrives either right before, right at the start, or a little bit after the start of our respite.

As the actors returned their mics so they could eat without worrying about them, Nagito stayed behind so he could join the rest of the Booth Hermits. "How's it been going in here?" He asked as he sat in a spare rolling chair beside me. I took the opportunity to lock our ankles together.

"It's been going," Kiibo sighed. He's been having difficulty with framing the projections and getting the color correction right now that he's actually in the performance space.

"How's it been on the ground?" I asked

"Fun, for the most part," Nagito smiled, "Did you see that Ayane got Taka in on it?"

"How could we not?" I laughed

'Toxic' by Britney Spears came on at one point, and Ayane had been trying to get Taka to loosen up all afternoon. She could tell he couldn't resist it. No one can; the four of us in the booth were dancing around, too. She cheered him on and soon enough, all in the theater had a brief show of Taka throwing it back and dropping it like it was hot; no one had any idea he could move like that. "Rantaro got it on camera, too," Nagito added, "It was nice to see him enjoy himself."

Funny, that's how I felt watching him. But it's different seeing Nagito being carefree. It's because of the Word with Heavy Implications that comes into my mind whenever I look at him; I'm sure of it. I've never felt this syrupy warmth just watching someone before.

As the five of us ate and talked, I realized this was the first time my best friend was hanging out with my boyfriend— wait, he's not technically my boyfriend yet— WAIT, it's not inevitable. We've been on one date and kissed twice; that's not immediate coupling. All of this was making my head swim a little, but once we were back to work I'd have to check with Chiaki to see if she likes him. Like, I want my best friend to get along with The Guy I Want to Be My Boyfriend.

By the time we finished up, Nagito's legs were resting across my lap and I had my hands on his knees. We drifted off into our own conversation, and being able to touch him again made me realize I can't wait until opening night to be with him again. "Hey, Nagito?"

"Hm?"

"Stop me if this is too forward," My fingers were compulsively scraping against the soft fabric of his pants on his knees, "But since like, we start official 10 to 10s tomorrow, maybe you could stay over my place tomorrow night? So you don't have to do any late-night driving?"

He leaned in closer and whispered, "Oh, so I don't have to drive at night? Is that all?"

I swallowed because obviously, that was some bullshit. "I mean, maybe there's a little more to it than that," I tried to suggest

"Well since you're so thoughtful and generous, I think I'll take you up on your offer," and he took one of my hands and kissed my knuckles

"Oh my god; get a room," Chiaki groaned. Whoops; I forgot we weren't alone for a few moments there.

"That's the plan, actually," Nagito bluntly replied, and I felt my face become red once again.


End file.
